Archive for the ‘Portia Popper’ Category

Spare my delicate body!!

April 16, 2008

Note, I am blogging this in my underwear, but I am NOT getting paid by Starbucks* for this. Why am I including such a lame-ass company in my blog post if I’m not getting real paid for it? Because I hope to get a job at that lame-ass company today, and I figured that I’d be able to say that I talk to all my friends about Starbucks. I won’t tell them that I don’t tell friends that friends don’t let friends drink coffee that tastes like bugs and exploits Don Juan in the foothills of the Andeas. That would be smearing Starbucks and I’d probably not get a job there. Unless I got fired and that got me so much publicity that I could professionally blog. I never thought about it, but how can you tell a blogger is professional? That’s like having a professional video game player or a professional rapper.

So I was at my new favorite haunt, My (Retarded) Star Bucks Idea because I am probably going to have to work for them due the splendid non-work by the Hrmfs. I’m not saying all Hrmfs are retarded, I’m just saying that from experience the chance of finding an intelligent Hrmf is directly proportional to the chance that one actually does the job they envisioned when they were five.

No, I’m not yet an astronaut and as time goes on my chances of becoming one are going down unless Brazil revives its rockets program and accepts seniors who don’t know Portugues.

Anyway, I’m hanging at My Starbucks Idea (not yours!), and I am alarmed to find so many germ-haters out there. WTF! I wonder if any of these people ever have sex. I mean besides internet porn. If so, aren’t they scared?

Let’s put this in perspective. They don’t want people to be able to bring their cups into Starbucks from home because they are afraid that people who save their cups have special diseases that they will bring into the store. The amount of disease will be so huge that it will get onto the barista’s hands and infect the whole ecosystem. I don’t know about you, but the barista’s I have seen are usually the cleanest people on the planet. They don’t look like bike messengers who got their bikes stolen or anything.

I’m just thinking of all the ways someone could get a disease and having someone touch a cup that someone else from home touched is the most retarded method. I don’t think any disease is stupid enough to select this as a primary vector of infection. People are, but people are coddled in this society. They can afford to be dumb. Diseases have to be smart.

For example, the baristas do have their own cups they drink out of at home. I don’t think many baristas can afford to keep sanitary cups at home that they toss out after taking a sip. Then they wash their mouth out with ListerineTM (now minty fresh flavor!) and wipe their hands off with WetOnesTM or something. Each time they take a drink. Don’t think so. Do you know that most baristas don’t even know who they wake up next to each morning?

I can think of ten ways you can get a disease at Starbucks that does not involve other people’s cups:

1. Money. Do the baristas disinfect their hands each time they touch money? Don’t even get me started with wealthy people wiping their asses with twenties and the ass-penny confidence builder technique. I won’t even go there. Too vulgar.

2. Sneezing. Everyone does it. The buyer. The seller. You. Do you disinfect the whole 20′ radius around you that an average sneeze travels? Do you have a sneeze guard around your head? Does your barista? They should, I guess.

3. The counter. Is it wiped each time?

4. Children. I love them as much as anyone which is why I want the air to be clean for them (don’t drive) and the world to be pretty for them (don’t cut down trees/don’t use plastic if you love kids). But they have childhood diseases. Do you go out of your way to avoid them? They run around touching everything (which is normal). But it is not super-sanitary? How do the children survive? They have an immune system. Something we need to check out.

5. Cup factory. Just because something is sealed in plastic does not mean it is sanitary. It could have been infected and the bacteria is vacuum sealed. Bacteria can survive a vacuum. Can you?

6. Shaking hands. Do you wipe off your hand each time you shake hands?

7. Clothing. Germs could get on the barista’s clothes as they go to work from the subway (they lost their bikes otherwise they’d be messengering) or something.

8. Germ conspiracy. Not likely but neither is catching a disease from a cup from home. In fact, it’s more likely to get diseases from a conspiracy if it’s well planned.

9. Door handle. The Starbucks doors don’t magically open near my house (at least not yet). When they do I’ll be able to teleport due to dangling modifiers. My spell checker thinks teleportation is not real. Ug.

10. Fixins. Do you use the community sugar? I bet you use the wasteful paper packets because paper is magically germ free, right? But someone with a disease who picked up a packet touched the one below that one. Then someone who feared disease came along and stuck his hand beneath the top packet. But he mixed them all up and the lower packets are also infected.

Come on, a packet doesn’t have germs does it? No. But neither does a cup from home.

End of list.

If someone can figure out how, please tell me how to register at Starbucks.com. I wanna post this on there.

Now “wanna” is a word, but teleportation is not? Only in stupid wordpressTM land (get your free account now, start your blogging career today).

* Note Starbucks probably does not endorse any of these comments. I don’t know. I didn’t ask, but as a future employee, I am no way the same as all the other employees. That is they don’t always agree with all my views. For example, not all of them think that legal disclaimers are stupid, pointless, tedious, paranoid, and ought to be mocked.

Note all other companies real or imagined are also not endorsing me in any way because they are run by heartless people who don’t want to give me free money to sit home in my underwear and wale (yes, I wale on a keyboard 73 WPM with multiple errors, yo).

Political correctness has gone too far!!! By Guest Blogger Portia Popper

March 3, 2008

The original intention may have been good: lets be nice to everyone and quit calling people derogatory names.

Perhaps it was because of the so called “white guilt” or maybe some other reason we’ll never know. Names such as kooks, gooks and japs, were banished from the spoken language and sent away into dark dusty bookshelves spoken only surreptitiously in dark, dusty places…

But then, the intention started to go a little crazy. The goal was forgotten. Every misfit of society began to enter the always-spin zone.

A criminal who best belongs in Gitmo or a torture chamber turned into an “unsavory character” – someone who is merely not pleasing in odor.

Old people, the individuals who continue to drive badly and smell worse instead of doing everyone a favor and just dying, became “senior citizens” – now capable of dispensing age old wisdom in their Alzheimeric haze.

A Bum who used to be the bane of society’s existence and a torture to one’s olfactory senses is now a “homeless person” – a mere individual who simply lacks shelter.

A junkie who previously had crusty veins and slept in abandoned houses surrounded by filth is now “a person in recovery” – the phrase showing more optimism than perhaps
Nancy Reagan would have considered.

Merry Christmas has became “Happy Holidays/Chanukah/KwanZaa” even though the season is now only an excuse to climb into the consumer hell of debt and dissatisfaction.

Even the government has gotten into the act. Department of War became “Department of Defense” because the word “war” assumed a “a bellicose attitude towards military
preparedness”. Shellshock” has now become “combat fatigue” indicated a merely tired soldier and not a fucked up patriot who needs psychological counselling and a lifetime supply of anti-depressants.

Now it has become ridiculous. A fatass is now horizontally or gravitationally challenged. Or worse…a “person of substance”. A retard is now “mentally challenged”.

As a melanin enhanced individual, I would like to put a stop to this idiocy. I have a coworker who is a retard. A dumbass. This male-challenged individual would put sufferers of down syndrome to shame. However, this retard spends valuable tax dollars doing nothing but wasting precious tax dollars. If there were no such concept of political correctness, this retard would have been kept away from normal, functional members of society who could contribute much more toward the progress of this great nation. Instead this retard has spent more than 25 years wasting money, time, resources, energy and being a general pain in a butt to everyone around. All because people wanted to be “nice”.