Archive for January, 2009

Parental Control

January 20, 2009

I love the TV show Parental Control on MTV. This is a show where a parent, who can’t stand their child’s significant other (SO), will go on the show where they set their child up with two dates. One date is picked by the father the other is picked by the mother. Then the games begin. The entire show consists of several discreet phases.

Note that the show is heterosexually biased. In four episodes, I have not seen a single gay couple on the show. I have no idea why this is the case as MTV is one of the most gay friendly stations ever. In the world of MTV one out of every four people or so is gay. One out of every ten is transgendered and pretty much everyone else is bi. Not that there is anything wrong with it. I’m sure that MTV will eventually cross the orientation line and do a gay show. I’m sure to watch it. Until I see one of these shows, I’ll assume that the show has only hetero-couples. I’ll do a separate article on gay Parenetal Control if I ever see it.

Parental Bitching Phase

The child’s SO is made out to be as bad as possible by the parents. They can complain as much as they want. This is highly entertaining. If the SO is a female, the complaints usually sound pretty lame. So the girlfriend is self-centered and slutty. This is normal for girls this age in this period of time. It is likely that someone who is willing to be on a TV show is not going to be a good replacement for most of these girls. Also the parent’s child is not always an angel either. Therefore, this makes their whining look even more petty, but it also makes it more entertaining. On the other hand, I usually find the parent’s complaining about a boyfriend to be fairly accurate. They don’t have jobs, they mistreat the girl by grabbing her ass in public, they smell, they eat in a filthy manner, and they always disrespect the parents. These are all legitimate complaints.

While the parent’s whine, the SO demonstrates their poor behavior. Why they would do this, I do not know. In fact, I have no clue why any SO would be on the show unless they were attention whores because they are the most degraded person on the show. In fact, the most consistent part of every show is that the SO is degraded and disparaged.

One could miss this part of the show and not miss anything because this section is repeated after every commercial. Also, the writers of the show use the three or so chief complaints to create the point of view for the SO while they sit on the coach. Everything that comes out of the person’s mouth relates to one of their faults. For example one complaint was a girlfriend said “Ug” all the time. Guess what she said every time she talked? In another example, a boyfriend used too much body spray. Guess what he did throughout the whole show? Again, why anyone would do this is beyond me unless they actually enjoy making a fool of themselves on TV.

Date Selection Phase

Dates line up to interview on the show. The parents can ask the potential dates anything that they want. I love this section because the potential dates are rarely any better than the SO. In fact, many of them are worse. The girls are definitely worse than the original girls. As I said, the original girlfriends do not have anything wrong with them. All the potential new GFs are highly slutty. For example, one mother had a problem with her son’s GS tonguing everything in sight so she got a statue and told all the potentials to kiss it to demonstrate how they would kiss her son. The potentials invariably tongued the statue. None of these girls had any notion of dignity nor any idea that they were actually competing to be the best behaved person not to be the biggest slut.

On the other hand, the male suitors are often better behaved. Certainly there are many losers and douchebags in the mix, but a few of the young men actually have some concept that the parents at least want to create a facade of dignity even if they know, on some level, that they are picking the guy who are going to be banging their daughter.

It is highly strange in our culture for the parents to pick out a mate for their child. When I thought of arranged marriages in India (and in Europe a billion years ago), I thought it would be a serene occasion. Now I realize that in all cultures it is bizarre, and to me highly disgusting. I don’t think parents should get anywhere near their children’s sex lives. It’s just too strange.

The shows where they are picking out girls is especially disturbing. The mom is OK, but the dads are all pervs. I would think that an older man would have some dignity, but not on this show. It really makes our whole country look like a sewer. These guys act as if their picking out someone for themselves. They do this in front of their wives. Why their wives don’t beat them to death right there is a mystery.

Dating Phase

Once the dates are picked, the real fun begins. The SO sits on the parent’s coach with the parents and their child. In this scene one can see the parent’s house and for some reason they all look highly wealthy. Even the most ghetto and trashy people have really nice houses. If the show was just about these houses, I could watch it for hours. I’m basically watching people who are more successful than I will ever be. Also, note that all the shows seem to be in suburban Southern California. There are no people who live in Philly ghettos on Parental Control.

Then the doorbell of the mansion rings and the date is there. I think that the father’s date comes first, but I’m not sure. I have to watch much more of this show. The parent gets the date. At this point, the date and the SO snipe at each other. This form of abuse will occur for the rest of the show. This is one of my favorite parts of the show. I especially enjoy how poorly the people read their lines. What they say is clearly scripted, and yet the people have a hard time saying their lines with a lot of confidence. However, the writing is good as it usually plays on the SO’s faults and insecurities.

Once the date starts, the real pain starts for the SO. Again, I like to see the SO as a boyfriend as they are often jerks. If the SO is female then they often look hurt, and this makes me sad.The only way the SO could possibly win at this point is if they were into the cuckold fetish. However, I have yet to see an episode where this is the case. In most cases, the SO behaves mechanically and predictably, getting more and more upset as the dates continue.

Also, the SO will insult the parents and the parents will insult the SO. This is the most scripted part of the show as the insults are far better than what most normal people say, but the delivery is highly unnatural. I find it disgusting to see young people mistreat older people especially when they are the parents of their SO. This is actually painful to watch, and it makes me a little sad. On the other hand, the parents dish it right back to the SO so it’s all in good fun. Also, the parents have firmer ground to stand on because they are not watching their SO cheat on them.

The dates themselves have two parts. In the first part, there is some kind of activity. There are two types of activities. Some get the heart pumping such as motor biking racing through a mall. Higher heart rate with an attractive person simulates the feeling of being in love.

The other activity is one that gets the dates to touch one another. Examples include making sushi on each other’s bodies and stomping on grapes together in a bucket. These are especially painful to the SO who is watching on TV. The SO will often make fun of the date, but the more they do this, the sadder it is because their SO is technically cheating on them, and they can’t do anything about it. In fact, they idiotically chose to be on this show so they really have only themselves to blame.

The best dates combine both action and touching such as lubing each other up in baby oil and sliding on mats down the halls of a school.

In this part, a smart date will use the activity as a chance to get a little closer to the SO. This is dangerous for a man because I have seen men lose out because they are too “grabby” at this point. A smart man would be mindful of their dates comfort level and not go beyond it. On the other hand, a girl has little to lose by touching the guy. Guys are dumb and easy. In fact, I saw one girl make out with every date she had. In this case, I think that the parents would have been better off getting a new daughter rather than worrying about what loser she’ll bring home every day.

What I find most entertaining about this part of the date is trying to think up new activities for this show. There are infinite possibilities.

In the next part of the date, they have a snack. The snack is sometimes coorelated with the activity. In most cases, the food is junk. It is fun to look in the grocery store and ask, “Would this make a good snack on Parental Control?”

While they eat the snack, they also have a short chat, and the date has a few moments to make their last minute bid for enternal love. They usually talk about hobbies or aspirations. In one case, I heard a guy criticize their dates SO. I thought that this was lame because a person will usually get offended about criticism of their SO even if they agree.

The best move, a power play, was when a potential new guy asked their date to get a tatoo. He promised that if she did, he’d also get a tatoo. For some reason, he had figured out that she had wanted to get a tatoo all along. This was a priceless moment when she said yes. The SO was betrayed as she had promised him that they’d get tatoos together. It was also a betrayal of the mother who had actually picked this guy. I was so happy, and I realized how brilliant this was. If she got a tatoo with him, she’d have to pick him. A tatoo is a  <!– @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } –>


commitment. For him to get such a commitment in such a short time was nothing short of genius. I consider this guy to be an artist who has expanded the game of Parental Control, and I predict many new imitators.

Choosing Phase

After both dates are complete, the SO is flanked on either side by the dates. They each have one more chance to say something to get the person to change their mind. Although it’s impossible to tell for sure, I feel that the choice has all ready been made. Still, female SO’s are the worst at this. They often use threats often to withhold sex for a period of time. This is a terrible idea. Why would a guy go back with a girl so he could not have sex with her when he has two other women lined up who just acted like they were about to jump into the sack. The best move for an SO is to remind the person how they all ready have a strong connection. I guess this is only possible if they actually do have a connection, but if they don’t then they have a lot more problems.

Then the dates and SO are judged then one of them is told to leave. I have never seen an SO get kicked off at this point. The girls who are asked to leave are so hurt and angry. The guys usually take it a bit easier. I guess guys are more used to rejection. One girl took the family’s mail and dumped it all over the family.

Then there is a lame, scripted moment of silence to let the suspense build. For me, this actually really works. I try to guess who the person is going to pick. For men, in most cases, this is boring because they will usually pick a new girl. For a young male, a new female is a huge temptation eventhough it is highly retarded to date someone you met on TV for about five minutes. It’s even dumber to dump someone you were dating for a while. If they were such a pain in the ass, did you have to go on TV to figure that out? Also, anyone who goes on to find a date has to have something wrong with them.

Women know most of this. They most often pick their original SO. In cases when they will pick a new person, they advertise this early on by acting highly slutty. Even more slutty than the usual women on this show. They generally will make-out with everyone they date within ten seconds of meeting them. The most preditable time when a girl picked a new guy was when she got a tatoo with him. I knew it was going to happen, but seeing it was a big payoff.

I love to see the camera follow the SO when they are dumped because they do something to make their old flame feel good about their choice like swear of make a general nuisance of themselves.

Finally, the parents are given a chance to whine if their child stays with their orginal.

In the final scene the new lovers will have a few seconds alone. They usually will start making out right away even if they had just met a few minutes ago.


Overall, I find this TV show to be highly bizare. There are so many things wrong with this show that I will probably need to revisit this topic in many future posts. First of all, if your child has problem SO, what makes you think that you can find a better one on TV. Only attention whores would date on TV. I feel that most of the candidates are actually wanna be actors. I like wanna be actors, but do their parents really want their child to limit their choices to this category of people?

Also, to have the parents and the children sit in the same room and watch the dates is perverse. Needless to say I love this show. I love the competition. I love to see people degrade themselves for no apparant purpose. I love parents to act retarded. I like to see people get new dating choices where they get to treat an SO like they are one of many products in a store.

This is one of the most brilliant TV shows and writing for it would be my dream job.


Hard of Humor

January 8, 2009

Due to my recent move, and the struggle to get a job, I have found few things that are funny lately which is why I have not blogged here lately.

I even read a book on humor lately, and this has not helped. I need more time to sit down on a “comedy couch” and think about the funny.

I’m not depressed or upset in any way. I have achieved some things I thought would never happen in my life the past year. 2008 has been the best year ever for me by a long shot. I see 2009 as an even better year.

So look forward to humor. Eventually. In the meantime, I’ll continue writing on my HR and Science Fiction Writing blogs.