Meta-Religious Comments and a New Disorder: Glinchitis

I’m going to continue this until I start my bicycle trip because it is actually the most popular thing that I write. It’s also the easiest by far. I have a bunch of other articles in the works, but nothing is faster than a read of a few lines followed by free association by my retarded, loopy, and eclectic mind. This leads me to wonder if there is a such thing as religious talent or conversely lack thereof. And with this tangent, I’m going to delay the post on the bible reading so I can ramble at length about a new disease I created. Glinchitis which literally means the swelling of Glinchy.

Think about it. There are reading disabilities; there are people with trouble with math; there is gambling addictions. Why not have a disability where people have trouble with theology? I guess this shows how unimportant religious is in surviving in today’s America.

The implications are staggering. Both Left and Right would be rigorously apposed to this innovation. The Left would be angry because they would see it as yet another lame attempt to impose religion on a country that loves to watch shows like Desperate Housewives more than they like to go to church. Hell, I heard this show was even popular in Utah. Haha to “Family Values” gibberish.

The Right would get stressed out about religion disability because it would make excuses for those of us who just don’t have the imagination to believe in God, the Eucharist, and ιερό εσώρουχο. Abstractions give me a headache in every religion. Plus they really make me nervous because when I hear someone giving me a complex, airy, long-winded, explanation, I get the feeling that they are trying to pull a fast one on me. To say that this is a disability would make sin the result of some kind of disease. This would retard any attempt to tar and feather us religious morons, and chaos would ensue.

I do value religion, however, because it helped me with my own life, and I read about so many other people getting use out of it. When my mother died, I heard nothing but a litany or religious explanations for her death. This didn’t work for me because I hate it when people use a death to impose their religion on me. Also, my best defense over worry about family member’s disease is intellectualization. I focus on the actual mechanics of what is killing them. By learning what size and make of tube they used to intubate her with will stop me from feeling sad that the woman who carried me for nine months is in a lot of distress.

Anyway, the whole notion of a Religious Disability leads to the creation of a religious exam. This can ask such question as: “How many angels can dance on a pin?” This should be essay because multiple choice tests tell you nothing about a person. Answers such as “What is an angel” can lead to a lot of insight. The first place I’d go to learn about angels is a D and D monster manual.

Answers such as “What is a pin” would lead to a worse diagnosis. But the person would be treated as an equally valid individual in my happy, utopian, liberal fantasy world where everyone is genuinely nice just because and not because they fear some supernatural shit. Hey, I wonder if this should be a new kind of phobia, fear of the supernatural. Glinchiphobia.

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