This begins a series about living on campus.

I got so depressed when I could not live on campus, my step-father threatened to put me in the psych ward.

Funny how times have changed. In my latest version of Fantasy Redoing My LifeTM, I have decided it would have been best to have worked at a McJob right out of high school instead of going to college and living at home. I could have worked my way though school. This would have focused me on going to a cheap school, not getting into debt, and getting a degree before my folks drove me completely nuts. I could have also saved up so I could live in a trailer park next to the beach which has been been my One True Dream.

Now to deal with the pain, I am thinking back on places to live while in college. This is the first place. It is called Bellera-Hasselhoff.

Getting into other people’s business and shameless promotion of tacky celebreties is the freak flag that this house flies.

On either side of the coat of arms two gargantuan rodants face a giant marijuana leaf in the center. Activities in the house include talks such as “Watching Bud Bowl while sampling some bud, a comparative analysis.” In the “entertainment” room there is an extensive porn collection. We are also home to the only all kazoo orchestra on campus.

Food and Drugs: From a Hobby to an Obsession

Students without a hobby are encouraged to join our Health Zealotry Group. Events include obsessing about everything we eat, using guilt and fear to continuously excercise, posing the mirror, modelling skimpy clothing to display collarbones, and attending parties off campus in order to look down on others who are enjoying themselves. A minority of the house has enforced a no caffeine policy on the entire house (0.001% of the total house population ie one resident). So leave your coffee maker at home! Or better yet,
recycle it!

Twice a year, we go through rooms, confiscated anything that might be fun such as cigarettes, coffee promotional items, and comic books then we spend the rest of the evening tossing them off the roof at children who live in a nearby project.

Politics and Wealth Generation

This house is very politically active. And it should be, it’s built made from money donated from parent’s who made their fortunes through government kickbacks due to their excellent political connections. There is also a “Law Society” that educated members on nitpicking contracts, reading the law out of context for one’s benefit, and launching frivolous lawsuits (49% of the house population).

Filmy Residents

There is also a propaganda media whoring aspect to the house. Each year, a different member of Hollywood Squares resides here. Last year it was the woman who played Gary Coleman. Also there is a film series.

Every Thursday there is film night where we play a different venereal disease education film.

In Good Company

Finally a lifestyle yourstyle! Frat chicks in boob showing tank tops. Women lusting after seventy year old rock stars by means of a double inuendo on a t-shirt. And much much more!

Our director has very small glasses so you know she’s smart (Julia Salamander).


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: