The Damaged Drawer is Not My Fault !!

This is a parody of a letter I have read from the students. Again, this is a parody and only a parody. Had this been an actual letter, I would be fired without warning. This would make me world famous and catapult me into history. A movie would be made about my life where I turn sharpening a pencil into a life and death adventure, and I’d get my own freakin’ star square in Hollywood.

“I just wanted to notify somebody, anybody really. Who reads this, I don’t care. My parents are richer than you anyway. Plus all you office people look the same like some kind of ant hive where anyone can do anyone else’s work.

I live in Georgia Hall and I noticed my drawer was broken without my even touching it. The drawer was in my closet just floating there in the air and it wasn’t until a month ago that I noticed that the bottom of the drawer in the bottom right corner was wearing away as there were wood chips all over the closet floor and my personal items of which I also noticed only a month ago not long after I also noticed my tendency to make very long, pointless, and rambling sentences.

I have always noticed a slight tilt to the drawer not unlike the way I tilt my lover’s head before I kiss her. However, there is no way I could physically make that kind of damage with human force. The only creatures to have that kind of power would be supernatural, extraterrestrial, or a local from a Philly ghetto.

So by analytic philosophy that I learned this semester, I can say without a doubt the drawer had to have been damaged back when I moved in. However, I didn’t think to explore the entire area of my closet until a month ago even though there were more woodchips on the floor than at the site of a beaver’s dam any more than I would think to explore Philly any further than the immediate area around where my classes are held.

I didn’t call maintenance because there was only one more month of school, and hey, you guys are useless anyway, right. I mean you still work at a college. Me, I’m going to be out of here and working in the “real world”. I’m going to have my own car and my own money and everything. And you? You’ll be stuck here on this crappy campus in this loser city until the day you die. So I didn’t waste my time to call you, OK.

After all, it would have been a huge hassle to move the drawer at all since like I said, it’s not possible to effect [sic] using any kind of “human” force. Also, I’d have to remove all my items from the drawer. All my expensive watches, colognes, and my porn collection which I manage to plop into the drawer without actually seeing the bottom of the drawer where the spirit damaged it.

I thought I’d leave the problem for the people who come after me. Hey, I got this far with that attitude, let’s see how far I can go with this. Let other people pick up after me, that’s what’s up.

Also, there’s a bit of a leak problem in my bath. I’m not sure what it leaking exactly but it’s some kind of vague problem. Also, the ceiling of the bathroom is a bit torn. Is anyone interested in any of this? I’m not. I just hope there’s no hassle after I moved out. Just because I live in a place doesn’t mean I have to actually open my eyes, find problems, and call them in. What the hell are they paying you losers for anyway? You probably spend your whole day doing email and writing blog posts. Losers!

I received a call about furniture damage and I wanted to discuss that as well as my nasty habit of changing the subject with no transition. If you want a transition, you’ll be waiting for a long time.

Also, my lamp has some kind of problem. When I turn on lamp, it blow up in use. I tried to replace the bulb, but the remains were stuck in the socket. This is so much hassle for me to do, and perfect excuse to go shopping. So I bought a new lamp. I’m going to leave that in the room as it is also half broken. Is this a problem? Are you going to have to pick it out of my room?

Am I going to be charged for any of this? Because I am writing to tell you about all this ahead of time. So you were warned. So don’t say I didn’t warn you. There’s a lot of things that need to be fixed in the place that used to be my room before I moved out.

Just send me back a letter saying no hassle so I can go to the Greek Island for my Archeological Dig for the summer. OK??”


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