Archive for May, 2008

Reasons Why LA Can’t Be That Bad

May 18, 2008

People like to bitch all the time about how LA sucks. Maybe it does to some people, but it can’t suck any more than South Philly. Here are a few reasons why.

1. I know the traffic is bad in LA, but if you ride a bike, traffic that has come to a standstill is the best possible thing for someone when you are riding a bike. Contrast this to South Philly where there is only a single one way lane. Cars are supposed to stop every block. Yet they insist on flooring it each block only to slam on the brakes at the end of the block. If you are crossing the street, you wonder if they are ever going to stop. If you are on a bike, they fly past you with zero regard for human life.

2. I like people of all different races just fine. I do not think immigrants are ruining our country. I want to see everyone prosper and be happy. But the problem here is that nobody talks to anyone else. People of all races stare at my wife and I like we are some kind of freak show. The only people who really talk to us are white people. Everyone else just kind of glare at us when they are not outright ignoring us.

3. When I moved here, I wanted to eat all kinds of food from different countries. Then we found out that in China they were letting all kinds of crap get into their food. There were even stories they made soy sauce with human hair. My wife got sick several times at Mexican restaurants. Each time I order meat at a restaurant, it is full of gristle, the lowest quality shit. I’m looking forward to getting decent local food year round and cooking myself.

4. I hear that a lot of people are starting bands in LA. This is alarming because we live next to one and it sucks to hear them practice their repetitive weed music. Plus rock/rap bands are all played out. It really sucks to try to get up at 4 AM when you are listening to Other People’s Music at midnight. Plus the people on the left of us play crappy rap, that I find actually racist because it says some things about people I was taught to never even think about. On the right we get crappy music in Spanish. I like Spanish. I like music. I don’t like some crappy bass line coming through my walls when I’m lying in bed at night. Plus everyone with a car around here thinks we all need to listen to whatever they have on. I just get bass of music I don’t wish to hear.

5. The only violence I like is Buffy Summers staking a vampire. I don’t even watch action movies. However, there is enough violent action in my neighborhood to fill a Rambo flick. They must be selling drugs on sixth street. There’s always some kind of bullshit drama: gunshots and screaming going on down there. Thank God nobody ever bothered us. But then again, we don’t really go walking around at night. Sometimes some teens just go down the street on a rampage. The only good thing about this place is that the cops are always willing to bust some heads open. I can’t believe how whiny the media is when some punks get their asses beat. The cops could do that here on a daily basis, and I’d be glad. I have zero sympathy for people who don’t stay home, shut up, and mind their manners.

I’m actually looking forward to drive-by’s in LA because the idiots will be gone in a flash rather than staying around screaming for hours. Also, I won’t be able to hear their car stereo over the gunshots.

6. I know that LA is a desert, but so is South Philly. The place is wall to wall concrete. The streets are barely big enough to drive a hummer through. This goes on for miles. The rowhomes look the same. In our backyard we have a square foot of soil. The rest is a slab of concrete. Whatever desert action they have going on, I’m ready for complete lack of green. I’m also ready for shitty air quality as we have vans that drive by here in the morning that I can tell with my nose that they don’t pass inspection.

So whatever problems there are in LA, I only have one thing to ask. Make them at least slightly different than what bullshit I have to put up with on a daily (and nightly) basis in this shit hole they call a city.


Working With Myself

May 17, 2008

At my night job there’s this guy who looks exactly like me. Not exactly. I notice differences that others don’t such as the differing arrangements of moles and freckles on his body compared with mine. This was not a problem back when I had a beard because he was always clean shaven.

And that was the problem with this guy. He was always one step better than me. He was a leader and I was a follower. I’m sitting down on the job when I’m not supposed to. He comes over, and I think he’s going to sit with me. No, he’s picking up trash that I didn’t see.

We go outside and I insist on an umbrella (they are for customers) for myself. He notes that it is barely raining. I tell him that I’m a baby. And I am. I wear hat and gloves which is clearly out of costume. He weathers the cold with no complaints.

He’s always smiling. He doesn’t even hate the shitty colonial music that they play at my job. I caught him whistling with joy to the tune. I would have been mocking it, but unlike him, I can’t carry a tune.

It’s so strange to see someone who is like you, but marginally better in every way. I like myself better anyway. I can’t put my finger on why, so I’ll just say, I like my personality better.

Matthew 2

May 16, 2008

OK, this is getting interesting.

First of all, Christ is born in Bethlahem which is in Judea where Herod is king. Herod hear’s a prophesy that Jesus is born a price of Judea and he is destined to be a” Governer that shall rule my people in Israel.” I know I am nitpicking here, but to say that Jesus would go from a prince to a governer seems to be a step down. Judea was part of the Roman empire at this time.

This is why this prophesy is confusing. If it is meant to make Jesus look great as governor, it doesn’t. Governer of Judea is small potatoes compared to the Roman Emperor. Judea wasn’t even that important part of the Roman Empire. The modern equivalent would be something like governor of Whyoming. Not the worst job in the world, but hardly worth God’s time, I think. If the idea was to make Jesus look humble then it also fails. Instead they should have made him a carpenter or something.

Back to the story. The wise men came out of the East. This is an important point because one of my three wise men was from Africa. If you look at a map, Africa is to the west of Judea not the east. Therefore, all the three wise men came from Asia. I imagine one from India, one from China, and one from one of those Asian countries we never heard of. Russia was not on the map at this time and it had not taken over the top half of Asia yet.

Anyway, the three wise men were smart. They did not listen to Herod when he told them to tell him where Jesus was so Herod could worship him. I guess they realized that it was a bit odd that the king of Judea would want to worship a child who would one day be a governor. I keep thinking of baby Rendell in the manger or something. Also, God warned them in a dream to not talk to Herod again.

At this point I am wondering, does anyone in this book NOT listen to their dreams? I dream all kinds of looney things. If I followed my literal nightime dreams, I’d be in jail.

The three wise men’s navigation system is to follow a star which stood over where the child was. I can’t picture this at all. I am guessing that this was the brightest star in the sky or something. I can’t imagine any other way. I do not think the star was literally right above Jesus, though or he and the rest of the earth would have been incinerated. This section could be cleared up a bit. There are a lot of stars so I’m not sure how they could follow just one.

When the three wise men leave, Joseph dreams again. This time the angel tells him to take his family to Egypt. So, of course, he does.

When Herod didn’t get word back, he had every child in Bethlahem killed. Just to be sure, he also had all the toddlers killed in the coastal cities as well. This was a pretty big crime. I am wondering if it is anywhere in Jewish history. Just curious.

Next, Joseph had another dream that told him to go back to Israel. I was disappointed because they didn’t really show Egypt at all. There was just telling. I wanted to see what Egypt looked like at this time. Note that Egypt, too was part of the Roman Empire at this time.

Next Joseph took his family to Nazereth, which I think is in Judea somewhere.

Reasons I Love Cars

May 16, 2008

I’m sick of all this car bashing in the media especially by pansies who’d rather be driving an electric power–wait for it–car. If you are going to drive a car, be a man about it and get a Hummer. Drive a golf cart on the regular roads and you deserve whatever you get. And the cyclists? Don’t whine. Don’t pretend you have never seen TV. Cyclists are made to be mocked kind of like a modern version of clowns except cyclists aren’t scary, but some of them are pretty creepy.

Why I Like Cars Best

1. I like the smell of petrol. Nothing wakes me up in the morning like a good whiff of burning hydrocarbons. Breathing auto fumes is like smoking without the high cost.

2. I have a problem with my sexuality. I secretly think I’m gay. However, when I get into my big truck, there is no doubt of what kind of man I really am. Even if I’m a woman.

3. Evolution. The highway system is Darwin’s wet dream on crystal meth. Only the strong survive. Only the strong have enough kids to justify a mini-tank. These kids will all buy mini-tanks. We’ll all proudly drive. Badly. 45,000 highway deaths is not enough to determ me from my right to drive. Plus bikes are gay.

4. Fashion. Everyone knows that sinking deep, deep holes into the earth to bring up some black shit that we then burn so we can drive two miles through a parking lot that would not otherwise exist if the most inefficient way of moving people around. But it looks cool. That’s why i have four jobs. So I can save up and buy seven cars, one for each day of the week. I don’t buy new clothing to match my car, rather I buy different colored cars to match my clothes. I want a Hummer in metallic green. Hot!

5. Driving pisses off liberals. I don’t really have any kind of life nor consciousness outside of hating liberals. It they hate something I do it. Why do I do this? Let me ask you something. Why do _you_ hate America? Just kidding. Aren’t I funny?

Matthew 1:18 to 1:25

May 15, 2008

This is the second part in a series where I read Matthew from the Gideon’s bible.

To recap. Last time on Matthew we went through 42 generations or 840 years in 17 lines. Not one word was devoted to a woman as if the men somehow created their offspring by hand or something. They didn’t even mention Bathsheba only her husband Urias.

Anyway, the story finally picks up in verse 18 where it says that regarding Mary, “before they came together, she found she was with child of the Holy Ghost.” Now this is definitely the Greatest Story Ever told. I don’t even need to comment much on this one. Really. To men everywhere, can you imagine if, before you had sex with your woman, she came up to you and told you she was pregnant. When you asked who the father is, she said, “the Holy Ghost.” I don’t know about you, but I know what I would do.

This is really silly, but I think that this is giving terrible advice. My advice to anyone is “Run!” Run far away from this woman. Don’t ever talk to her again. Don’t listen to her. Don’t try to understand. Just get out.

Like a good horror movie, her husband-to-be did not listen to me. In line 19, he thinks of “putting her away privily” as to “not make a publick (sic) example of her”. I think this means that he was going to quietly WHAT? I don’t know. If he does not marry her she would be stone to death. What is he going to do to save her? His only other choice is to marry her and pretend that the baby is his.

This would be a point to stretch the story out a bit to create suspense. Let Mary sweat for a few days. Instead, the tension is quickly resolved in the next line when Joseph has a dream telling him that her child is from the Holy Ghost. I would have said, “OK, Holy Ghost, YOU marry her.” Instead, Joseph marries her and pretends that the child is his. I really feel bad for this guy.

The dream goes on to tell him to give the son two different names: Jesus and Emmanuel. At this point, I feel that this book is getting to be a bit like a Russian novel where all the characters have at least two names.

Finally, the book ends with “he knew her not till she brought forth her first born son”. This means that he did not have sex with her for nine months or so after they were married. Before the child was born, I’d like to see some of Joseph’s thoughts. Unfortunately, the author does not think to include this. I can’t understand Joseph’s motivations in this. He seems a bit flat kind of like a puppet. If the main character is going to act in a way that is contrary to what a normal man would, I feel the author should make the reader aware _why_ this is happening.

Overall, I enjoyed this chapter. However, I feel it should be broken into at least two chapters: the begat chapter then the baby daddy drama.

Matthew 1:1 to 1:17

May 14, 2008

This will begin my new series of posts which will encompass my reading of the New Testment Gideon version. I’m mainly reading it because it is around.

I have read most of it before. I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school through college. In high school, I had a teacher who had us read a great deal of the bible including begats sections and footnotes. We read it in class word for word. Every now and then the teacher would give us his own commentary or jokes on each section. I’ll call this teacher Mr. River kinda like Pheonix’s dad except he was not.

Therefore, I don’t want anyone to think I’m being unkind. I probably am in some area, but I don’t mean to be. I respect all religions, but I don’t believe in ever losing my sense of humor. Overall, I think that the bible is a good idea, but it didn’t help me personally very much at all unlike other religious texts. I don’t feel that there is a contest to the death between religions. This view of not having contests to wipe out all other religions seems to place me in a minority. I feel that there is a particular section of hell for those who preach to people who just don’t wanna hear it.

Onto Matthew chapter I.

The first part is interesting as it starts with begats. If I were to draw a line to stop reading a draft it would be somewhere in here. It starts with Abraham (you need to read elsewhere to go from Abraham to Adam, the first man). I especially liked how the fifth generation there is Judas.


This Judas is in no relation to the Judas who betrays Jesus later on in the story. I liked all this. I liked how they included the whole drama about David having a child (Soloman) with the wife of Urias. That’s some great drama to spice up an otherwise boring family tree.

After Soloman, boredom set in. I would have stopped reading at line nine or so where “Ozias begat  Joatham.” Who cares?

I did read it all because it’s the bible not because it held my interest.

Things picked up once we got to the summary where there are 14 generations from Abraham to David, 14 from David until people go to Babylon then 14 more to Christ. The text did not say this in years. I calculate 20 years per generation so I get 14 x 3 = 42 generations from Abarham to Christ total. Then I get 42 generations x 20 years/generation = 840 years between Abraham and Jesus. If Jesus lived at 1 AD then Abraham was around at around 839 BC. Interesting.

I always like to think of things in terms of Buddha who was around 600 BC or so and Mohommed who was around 600 AD or so. So Abraham is older than both, of course. Since this book does not give a years/generation number, this could be really off. Who knows?

This concludes only verses Matthew 1:1 to 1:17. Later on, I’ll finish 18 to 25.

Earthlink/Free Wifi: Always a terrible idea

May 14, 2008

There are some things so intuitively obvious, there should be no reason to comment on them. However, I find that when I _do_ comment on them, people are the most impressed so here goes.

The Earthlink plan to provide free wifi to Philly would never have worked. This is dead easy. What’s in it for Earthlink? Since they charge for wifi, providing it for free would just undercut their own business. Right? So why do it?

1. Other corporations were competing to do it. So retarded compeditive people often compete even against their own best interests as “winning” is their biggest goal.

2. They get free advertising so they can masquerade as some kind of charity organization. People will then give them money somehow.

3. To stop a grassroots movement from forming that could provide a viable alternative to Earthlink and teach their customers that they don’t need to pay for internet ever and that the internet is a basic right.

Why would city politicians go with Earthlink and not a grassroots organization:

1. Grass is not as good of a kickback as corporate cash is.

2. Corporations have a long history of doing what is best for the People. Thus they have a great reputation for being good partners in business. No corporation ever went back on a deal, defrauded people, or destroyed the environment they pledge to protect. Contrast this with crazy “hippie” grassroots nutbags. These people want to give away free internet? They clearly must have an “agenda” and “agendas” are bad even though we can’t quite articulate what this all means.

But, but, if Earthlink would be cutting its own throat, why would they ever set up a wifi network?

Answer. They failed. They claimed a huge loss on paper then they sued the city to release it from the contract that it fought so hard for.

So where’s the grass roots effort. I don’t know. The grass roots people have a few problems:

1. They had no purpose since Earthlink was going to do it, why do all that hard work when the corporate network was going to be bigger and better?

2. The city didn’t support it because they trusted Earthlink.

3. Earthlink and friends helped to make it illegal for wireless to be served out by the city without their approval. Why the hell would anyone pass that law? See list above for why anyone would go with Earthlink at all. It’s all there.

So once again, we have an example of watching a car crash from a helicoptor. You know what’s going to happen, but you are helpless to stop it.

Fired to Blogger Fame

May 11, 2008

My original plan for this blog was to do something outrageous on it like wear my uniform while standing in sexy poses or making fun of my boss. Then I’d get fired and the outrage would catapult me to internet fame. My wife informed me that nobody wanted to look at my ass online. I really like all my bosses right now. My plan was to post some of the funny letters we get in the office from the students.

My wife informed that would be a terrible idea. Not only is it a big breach of trust nor is it just that it will ruin my career (as an office boy) and blacklist me from ever working so I can never pay off my debts. The worst thing is that the student’s letters aren’t that particularly interesting.

Therefore, I came up with my own conclusion. Make up my own letters. That’s right, these letters are completely made up. COMPLETELY MADE UP. They are not based on any real people nor were they letters sent from anyone at all.

Last Thursday after finals were done, on a dare, my friends and I went to one of those East Philly parties to slum it. Never in my life have I been surrounded by so many smelly people not even at the City Hall subway stop.

I wanted to get out of there, but my friends pitched in for beer for some retarded cause like saving the sea lions or child support for a convicted killer. Needless to say, I got really plastered on low rent beer and hooked up with some skank. The following Monday some strange blisters broke out along the base of my penis giving it the look roughly of a squid tentacle.

I phoned home to my uncle who always takes care of the “little problems” that the men in our family get into. He rushed me the cure. However, when I go to the mail room, the gum smacking surly waste of space LIED to me. She said they never received the package. Meanwhile green pus starts to come out of my blisters and even the prostitute I keep on the side started to notice.

It wasn’t until Tuesday that I got my package. I had to wait an entire half a week to receive the treatment I needed. When I told the clerk in the mail room that I almost lost my penis because of her, she laughed in my face!

What can I do to get more professional treatment? I only go to one of the most expensive college in the country. You’d think that at the prices I pay for tuition, they would have people who would bring my packages to my room on a daily basis.

The reply was even better.

I’m glad your uncle is a physician who can diagnose diseases, prescribe drugs, then pick them up for you and mail the to you. You must live some kind of charmed life to sleep with women in ghettos and not expect to get all kinds of VD even AIDS. Don’t you even go to the health seminars during orientation? The Uni can not be responsible for diseases picked up from off campus whores.

We also can not rush packages to you if your uncle can’t even spell his nephew’s name right.

Turkey City Subway

May 9, 2008

It is popular for bloggers to bitch about their subway rides. I didn’t think I had much to add to this. After all, you can only read so much about loud, smelly, pushy people. One thing I have to say, though is, “We’re all getting on the train.” So calm the hell down. I don’t know why, but I have an especial hatred of midgets who somehow sneak in front of me. I don’t know why since I usually try to be the last one on the train. I am an adult so I can stand, and I hate competition.

I only ride the train when it pours rain. I usually bike. At times, I do like to ride the train because it gives me a sense of moral superiority not unlike biking which also makes me feel better than ever other careless asshole in their Planet Wreckers rolling past me. On the train what makes me feel good is that I’m the only person smiling. It’s so strange to be the only visibly happy person. In fact walking the streets of Philly, I usually am also the only smiler. I know that women often do not smile because if a man catches them smiling he will think that it’s because she wants them. But there is no excuse for men not to smile.

Some of my smiling came from the fact that my job is perfect as I stated previously. The other reason for smiling is the retarded billboard ads. Like the one for a business school. It shows an over the hill man beating a crestfallen young college student. It claims that getting an MBA will help you win video games against those younger than you. Sounds like a midlife waste of time to me. Why not just promise that you’ll get respect or make more money. Playing video games just looks like a loser thing to do unless it’s GTA IV, of course.

Besides, everyone knows that someone middle aged won’t even be able to figure out a video game from the last decade. He’d bore the kid to death with stories of high scores from Ms. Pacman.

These two losers on the “MBA makes you a video game winner” billboard sat next to a Turkey Hill Ice Cream Ad. Who the hell names a hill after poultry? Worse, who has a bird in the name of an ice cream? I can imagine picking bones and feathers out of my dish.

The only real reason I can see for these stupidities inflicted on “The Public” is to bring a smile. Too bad it is a mostly wasted effort.

Ghetto/Red Neck Nation

May 8, 2008

One of the main reasons I hate politics is that it has a nasty way of taking what should be a Good Thing(TM) and turning it into crap.

One of the latest examples was the (retarded) claim that Obama is elitist.

If you are a normal person as opposed to a Political Bot, you will have no clue what an “elitist”. I share your situation. There is no human reason why this is bad. Yes, I confuse the word elitist with the word elite. Where elite of course means, the best. Just like Jordan is an elite basketball player, Obama is an elite politician. Elitist means something different. It means that Obama thinks he’s better than everyone else. What Obama thinks can only be determined by MRI or asking him what he thinks. Why this is not done is beyond me. Rather than doing this, people are taking things he says and reading into it. I’m just a simple guy, but when you do this, we have a word for that. It’s called mind reading.

However, I’d argue that if you are a politician not only is it OK to think you are better than everyone else, but out right necessary. Otherwise why are you running for office at all? If everyone else is as good as you are, they should do it.

The thing is that we are so ghetto/red neck, we can’t even think straight. Being intelligent is looked down upon in the mainstream media. Why would that be? Who looks down on intelligent people? Only in the ghetto/red neckville do you get this kind of backward thinking.