Anger Spin Cycle

One of the main things that keeps me practicing Buddhism is anger. If I was not angry nor depressed, I’d probably think the entire thing was a waste of time. Actually, if I was not angry nor depressed, I’d be a very happy person lacking nothing.

I am angry and depressed for the same reason: the world is not exactly how I want it to be, and I don’t feel exactly the way I want to feel. That’s it. If the world changed and my feelings changed, it would be perfect.

For me, a big part of religion is accepting that not everything can change. This conficts with activism because to an activist this sounds like defeatism. I don’t think this has to be this way. The middle way between the two extremes is calmness within the activism. To work toward a better world, but to realize that the world may not change overnight. The world may not change at all. But to keep on plugging away, undiscouraged.

If I were unreligious, I could look for some kind of Pretty DistractionTM to stop me from thinking of whatever is making  me angry. But I feel that’s a retarded thing to do. I don’t know why, but i have always been against being sedated against thought. Perhaps because my mind is over active and I always over think everything. That’s what I do. I feel good about myself so I feel good about doing what I do. I hate the whole hippie or suburban or whatever bullshit tonic of “think of something else” which means, “don’t bother me with your problems.” To me, this is a reasonable response except when it comes from someone who says they love you like parents.

In Buddhism there is a mindfulness of feeling meditation. You don’t fuel the anger, but you do try to figure out what is causing it so you can tear out its roots. The big thing that helped me with this has been working on generosity. Who knew that a more generous feeling would mean less anger. But since it means giving up things that others are grasping for anyway, it takes the stress off me. Also, it turns out that I get everything I need without a big fight. Everything is actually working out.

So why the anger? I don’t know. Traffic was nice today. The weekend was nicer than usual. I was even able to get a good blank buzz on when I rode in today.

The problem was when I started to think of funny blog topics. Each time I thougth of something, I was too angry to the point where I thought it would mean I was hurting myself mentally by dwelling on the topics long enough to post. So I didn’t.

Posting about anger made me feel better, though. I hope you have a good day as well free of anger.


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