Reasons Why LA Can’t Be That Bad

People like to bitch all the time about how LA sucks. Maybe it does to some people, but it can’t suck any more than South Philly. Here are a few reasons why.

1. I know the traffic is bad in LA, but if you ride a bike, traffic that has come to a standstill is the best possible thing for someone when you are riding a bike. Contrast this to South Philly where there is only a single one way lane. Cars are supposed to stop every block. Yet they insist on flooring it each block only to slam on the brakes at the end of the block. If you are crossing the street, you wonder if they are ever going to stop. If you are on a bike, they fly past you with zero regard for human life.

2. I like people of all different races just fine. I do not think immigrants are ruining our country. I want to see everyone prosper and be happy. But the problem here is that nobody talks to anyone else. People of all races stare at my wife and I like we are some kind of freak show. The only people who really talk to us are white people. Everyone else just kind of glare at us when they are not outright ignoring us.

3. When I moved here, I wanted to eat all kinds of food from different countries. Then we found out that in China they were letting all kinds of crap get into their food. There were even stories they made soy sauce with human hair. My wife got sick several times at Mexican restaurants. Each time I order meat at a restaurant, it is full of gristle, the lowest quality shit. I’m looking forward to getting decent local food year round and cooking myself.

4. I hear that a lot of people are starting bands in LA. This is alarming because we live next to one and it sucks to hear them practice their repetitive weed music. Plus rock/rap bands are all played out. It really sucks to try to get up at 4 AM when you are listening to Other People’s Music at midnight. Plus the people on the left of us play crappy rap, that I find actually racist because it says some things about people I was taught to never even think about. On the right we get crappy music in Spanish. I like Spanish. I like music. I don’t like some crappy bass line coming through my walls when I’m lying in bed at night. Plus everyone with a car around here thinks we all need to listen to whatever they have on. I just get bass of music I don’t wish to hear.

5. The only violence I like is Buffy Summers staking a vampire. I don’t even watch action movies. However, there is enough violent action in my neighborhood to fill a Rambo flick. They must be selling drugs on sixth street. There’s always some kind of bullshit drama: gunshots and screaming going on down there. Thank God nobody ever bothered us. But then again, we don’t really go walking around at night. Sometimes some teens just go down the street on a rampage. The only good thing about this place is that the cops are always willing to bust some heads open. I can’t believe how whiny the media is when some punks get their asses beat. The cops could do that here on a daily basis, and I’d be glad. I have zero sympathy for people who don’t stay home, shut up, and mind their manners.

I’m actually looking forward to drive-by’s in LA because the idiots will be gone in a flash rather than staying around screaming for hours. Also, I won’t be able to hear their car stereo over the gunshots.

6. I know that LA is a desert, but so is South Philly. The place is wall to wall concrete. The streets are barely big enough to drive a hummer through. This goes on for miles. The rowhomes look the same. In our backyard we have a square foot of soil. The rest is a slab of concrete. Whatever desert action they have going on, I’m ready for complete lack of green. I’m also ready for shitty air quality as we have vans that drive by here in the morning that I can tell with my nose that they don’t pass inspection.

So whatever problems there are in LA, I only have one thing to ask. Make them at least slightly different than what bullshit I have to put up with on a daily (and nightly) basis in this shit hole they call a city.


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