Reasons I Love Cars

I’m sick of all this car bashing in the media especially by pansies who’d rather be driving an electric power–wait for it–car. If you are going to drive a car, be a man about it and get a Hummer. Drive a golf cart on the regular roads and you deserve whatever you get. And the cyclists? Don’t whine. Don’t pretend you have never seen TV. Cyclists are made to be mocked kind of like a modern version of clowns except cyclists aren’t scary, but some of them are pretty creepy.

Why I Like Cars Best

1. I like the smell of petrol. Nothing wakes me up in the morning like a good whiff of burning hydrocarbons. Breathing auto fumes is like smoking without the high cost.

2. I have a problem with my sexuality. I secretly think I’m gay. However, when I get into my big truck, there is no doubt of what kind of man I really am. Even if I’m a woman.

3. Evolution. The highway system is Darwin’s wet dream on crystal meth. Only the strong survive. Only the strong have enough kids to justify a mini-tank. These kids will all buy mini-tanks. We’ll all proudly drive. Badly. 45,000 highway deaths is not enough to determ me from my right to drive. Plus bikes are gay.

4. Fashion. Everyone knows that sinking deep, deep holes into the earth to bring up some black shit that we then burn so we can drive two miles through a parking lot that would not otherwise exist if the most inefficient way of moving people around. But it looks cool. That’s why i have four jobs. So I can save up and buy seven cars, one for each day of the week. I don’t buy new clothing to match my car, rather I buy different colored cars to match my clothes. I want a Hummer in metallic green. Hot!

5. Driving pisses off liberals. I don’t really have any kind of life nor consciousness outside of hating liberals. It they hate something I do it. Why do I do this? Let me ask you something. Why do _you_ hate America? Just kidding. Aren’t I funny?


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