Dumbass Dictionary – Sidewalks

In the spirit of the more intelligent and wittier _Devil’s Dictionary_ by Bierce, I am going to create a _Dumbass Dictionary_ based upon context clues I have seen in my everyday life living in Filthadelphia.

sidewalk – 1. Extra storage space for builders. One can block off as much sidewalk as one needs for storage with impunity. If one has to block off both sides, all the better. Remember if you are doing any kind of construction in anyway, you have the city by its short hairs. If they say anything about your use of sidewalk space, just threaten to leave and allow the entire city’s economy to collapse.

If pedestrians need to walk, let them wander into the street. If they get his by a car, they will be blamed for walking in the street.

sidewalk – 2. Free parking space. If you need extra parking for the place you are going to just park on the sidewalk. If the street is extra busy, block the entire sidewalk by parking perpendicular top the sidewalk.

The most effective users of the free parking that Philly sidewalks provide are those who repair autos. Just park every single car you are going to repair on the sidewalk. Honestly, nobody will care. Nothing will be done to you. Feel free to appropriate as much space as you need. Remember, the early parker gets to suck up the most sidewalk space.

If anyone gives you problem about parking on the sidewalk, see above especially if you have a business of any kind. If pedestrians get hurt either from you jumping onto the sidewalk to park with no warning see above. There will be no penalty for this behavior. Nobody cares.

If you think of complaining about the sidewalks watch your back. The people who break the traffic laws all pack guns sold from the local gun shops. [See “straw purchases”.]

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