DMV: Hands off My Kidney

Today, I had the pleasure of going to the DMV. For my (millions of) non-American readers this means “driver license place”. Again, why they don’t say that, don’t ask why.

I say “pleasure” because like everything else revolving around the combustion engine, this area of government is well oiled. I was in and out in no time. They didn’t even take any money! I think my wife took care of that somehow, don’t know the details. God bless her even though she does not believe in God. I am, however, accepting prayers on behalf of the soul she does not believe in. Thank-you, kindly.

Once seated, I watched the other patrons juggling phone calls, music, and the annoying interacting with slow 3D humans thing. When my time came to take a picture, I had to answer a few simple questions at first. I tried Spanish at first (they did not have Mandarin, yet) just to test myself. I forgot that I almost failed high school Spanish! I failed the Spanish part of the DMV test, but they reset to English, and I got by it.

Of course, I am registered and don’t wish to change parties. Thanks for asking. I don’t see you hanging around bike shops drumming up political registrations. The organ thing, I said, “no”, of course. Why?

1. As an organ donor, I’m the most important person in the mix. I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO IS IRREPLACABLE. I am also unique in one other way. I’m the only one who does not get paid. This makes zero economic sense. The most valuable person should get paid the most just like there is only one obnoxious person like Balmer who gets billions, there’s only one obnoxious person who has my organs. If Balmer can hold out for a few billion, why not give me enough to pay off my loans. After that, I’ll be able to “give back to society”. People don’t need crappy software, but they need my organs. I don’t get the stupid economic inefficiency.

2. I don’t believe in most surgeries. 90% of the good in medicine can be traced to three things: washing, antibiotics, and preventative medicine. Yet most people in the world don’t get them. So why should a few select few burn up all our medical dollars just because they are born in the first world? Not fair. I can’t help the poor people in Africa (I’m working on my own debt) but I can say, “no” to something that’s obviously totally unfair.

3. I plan on selling my organs to the highest bidder. Again, hello, I’m in debt here. The people who I owe money created the laws so I must pay this debt off live or die. It will go to my estate. There is no bankruptcy. Yes, I was stupid to sign the loans. At 18, I should have known enough about the hundreds of loan sharks who engineered our student loan laws and the lawyers who wrote all the fine print. I’m an idiot and I take full responsibility of my organs. I have zero responsibility to a stranger’s health. They didn’t bail me out when I was in debt and jobless did they? What were they doing? Drinking their organ to death? Eating shit food when there are a zillion commercials telling them that’s bad for them? Maybe they ran everyday, biked everywhere, ate natural food, and lived in a cobb house and still got a strange disease. If so, I’m sorry. Send me this kind of story, and I might relent and give a few organs for free. I’ll decide this on a case by case basis WHEN I’M DEAD. Until then, I’m selling my organs to pay off the loan sharks for my worthless education.

4. I read the book _Coma_ which is about hospitals killing people to take their organs. Well, I’m going to make it very clear the next time I’m terminal in the hospital that I’m not giving my organs away so injecting me with the “special” sauce to short out my brain will do them no good. They’re not getting the organs anyway so this might save my life. Paranoid? I don’t know why I should be. I can’t walk outside without having the neighbors blow pollution in my face when they start their car engines. If they are actively polluting me without saying sorry who knows what the greedy hospital owner will do when its time to get that yearly gold star they are offering to the Top Organ Donor Hospital. And the way people drive. People just do not care about you so why trust them?

Anyway, after taking the test and explaining the above views to the DMV dude for about half an hour and fighting off a whiny hippie who didn’t “get” my anti-donor arguments, they took my picture. In order to get a nice smile on the film, I meditated over loving-kindness and shooting out beams of love to the entire world regardless of what horrible drivers and smelly people they are. This usually gives a special “half-smile” that people don’t know where it comes from except that it looks like the Mona Lisa. Only since I’m a guy, I don’t have that strange Mona Lisa Tranny LookTM.

Of course, when the picture is taken the computer “freezes”.

“Get a blowtorch and thaw it out!”

Some people really have no sense of humor. Anyway at the end of the day, I apologized for breaking the camera. He said that I wasn’t the ugliest person who had their picture taken. An uglier person actually got their picture taken and the machine crashed harder than it did for me. He said that this probably destabilized things so a good looking guy like me was an innocent victim.

I could have told him that. I’m always the innocent victim.


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