Flies and Rap. Oh My!

There are two things that make my backyard uninhabitable. The first is flies who are not out in full force this early in the year. The second is rap music that seems to be always in style.

Since I have been forced to listen to rap music all my adult life, I have noticed that there are a few recurring themes. The most prominent theme is the feeling of persecutation that rappers feel. They feel that the whole world is against them, everyone is out to get them and they can trust noone. This is actually largely true, but it is true for different reasons than they think. The main reason that the whole world is out to get rappers is because their music sucks.

I know that some of my fans who like rap music are going to be upset, but hear me out. Imagine a world where everywhere you go Dolly Parton is blarming out of loudspeakers. Imagine a place where all women are covered up completely from head to toe. Imagine a world where any small mistep will force you to read a book where YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY LEARN SOMETHING. Sound like hell. Yes, under the current regime of rap music this is my world. Except that instead of sweet Dolly, there are crappy guys bitching about how their life sucks, but note they all have record contracts. All the women show me their crack which I do not want to see. I don’t care to see so much skin. Cover that shit up. And instead of forcing me to read books, in my world people will blow my brains out for complaining. People have died for less in this world.

Thus due to my (over) exposure to rap music, I have come up with the following tips to making a good rap album:

  1. Women might respond to being called “bitches” and “hoes” but they all have STDs.

  2. Drum and bass are played out. Instead of emulating the tired twenty year old sound, get a fresh sound. Try the harpsicord for percussion and maybe play some bass notes on an aucoustic guitar.

  3. When a song is good, don’t talk over it. You’d probably pop a cap in the ass of someone who talks over your favorite movie. Stop taking my favorite songs and talking on top of them. If you need a melody, spend a few years in music school and compose your own. The best music is composed by sitting down with a piece of paper and a pencil and drawing dots.

  4. Take singing lessons. Anyone can talk. It takes a real artist to sing a high C. Everytime you open your mouth to say stuff, you are telling the whole world that you lack the most rudimentary singing talent. Yes, we are laughing at you, a lot. It’s like watching an eighty year old guy try to dunk, but he keeps tripping over his walker. You don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or call 911 so you do all three.

  5. We don’t hate you. We hate your crappy music. Really, the world is not out to get you. I’d love to hang with you and be your friend once you learn how to be a real artist instead of a poser who yells over people’s favorite songs, learns to respect women, stops taking drugs, and you pull up your pants and walk around like a normal human adult.

  6. Stop calling me cutesy names. It’s not cool, it’s not tough. It makes me feel like your brain is stuck in the second grade, and I’d laugh in your face if I didn’t fear that you’d blow my brains out. I have a real name given by my parents. I don’t need another name. My name is not dog, I’m not a canine. It’s not G or guy or loser.

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