Job Searches for Geniuses

Here’s what I learned about landing your dream job: 1. Come as you are. Nobody likes to see endless faceless drones who giddily spout the same tired platitudes over and over again like some automaton, Miss Universe Reject strung out on Xstacy.

Say exactly what’s on your mind at all times. The Hrmfs find that refreshing and will give you a top earning job just for that.

2. Go for the goodies. Don’t believe the hype. Getting a job is not about “serving humanity” nor is it about “what you can do for them.” If you did all that you’d be Mother Teresa, a saint, and you would have the Nobel Prize which means you would not have to work another day in your life. You could jet set around the world, stay in hospitals that the poor in India would not dream of, and spend the rest of your time surrounded by people telling you how selfless you are.

If you are interviewing for a job, you need to figure out what they have to offer. If they don’t have enough stuff, then blow the joint. You need to respect yourself before others will respect you.

DO NOT SIGN A JOB CONTRACT WITHOUT THE WORDS “GOLDEN PARACHUTE” IN THEM! YOU ARE ONLY DISGRACING HUMANITY BY AIMING SO LOW.

3. Reschedule the interview at least twice. Hrmfs have no respect for people who need to have everything baby fed to them. If you are not making things happen even before the job, what good are you? Rescheduling several times tells the Hrmf what a prize catch you are.

4.  Don’t answer any questions you don’t want to. Why waste your time answering any questions at all? You are perfect. The Hrmfs are the ones who have a lot to answer for. Why are they even wasting your time? Hire you all ready.

When they ask you something retarded like, “What ever made you interested in Neurophysiology?” say, “I’m going to count to ten. If you don’t give me a compelling reason to stay here, I’m going to walk out this door and never come back. I’ll get a job with your  <!– @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } –competitor and we’ll be your worst nightmare. You’ll never stop regretting this day as long as you live. 10, 9, 8…”

5. Remember if those assholes at Deloitte, Merck and all those other losers don’t hire you, there is always the option of becoming a K-Mart “associate”.

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