Archive for April, 2008

Why Bother?

April 29, 2008

I just read this article on climate change and it asks the question, “why bother?” Meaning why bother living a green lifestyle when the world is going to hell in a hand basket anyway?

After all, there is what I like to refer to as Glinchy’s Law of Fossil Fuels, “It will all be burned. All of it. No matter what laws are passed. No matter how many Prius’s you drive. No matter how many people cry about the baby seals in Alaska. Even if all of North America committed mass suicide by crashing our Hummers into one another then shooting the survivors, someone else in the world would come and take all our fossils and burn them.”

So I am pretty much as pessimistic as one could get about the whole global warming thang. On the other hand, I have never asked myself the question, “why bother.” I’m too busy asking, “what kind of impact am I making on my life and on others.” This question pretty much crowds out the “why bother” question.

I don’t own a car. I ride a bike. I eat local. I don’t buy magazines and very, very few consumer goods. Mostly I get stuff second hand. Why do I do this? I don’t know. This is the life I have chosen to live. I am happy in my lifestyle. I hate driving. I think consumers are idiots.

People like Pollan in the article kind of assume that living in a green lifestyle is some kind of self-deprivation and self-imposed suffering. When I watch a TV show, I don’t ask, “why bother” not everyone is going to care if Buffy gets away from her demon room mate or not. But I still watch.

But you might say, Buffy has nothing to do with saving the world. Wrong. She saves the world every episode. She risks her life not asking whether she should bother or not because people are really snippy about her clothing. She saves them anyway.

This is similar to the Buddhist philosophy that I love. You must act in a correct way no matter what. The world is sight and sound and it will try to confuse you. Do not be confused. Be still in yourself, believe what you believe no matter what sights and sounds occur around you.

If you think of acting in an environmentally correct manner is suffering, I say, “don’t do it.” If you think driving a Hummer will make you estatically happy–even if it ruins the world–buy one. Right away. Do not hesitate.

Burn all the oil you wish if this is the way you think is right. Do not be green and bitch that it’s a burden. It is not. It’s only the way that you want to live.

I think that the biggest problem with environmentalism is that people are too concerned about other people and not concerned enough about themselves. Yes, acting well might set a good example. It might get people to laugh in your face as they toss a beer can out of their Hummer and spew noxious gas in your face.

I have been talking about biking for ten years and everyone laughed at me. My closest friends, my family, everyone. There are only two people who listened to me. One I married. The other is a very close friend: Chuy Carnicero.

But now gasoline is going to go up to $4.00 a gallon. I know it is wrong, but each time I think of this I gain an incredible sense of satisfaction and peace. I’m happy how things are right now. It looks as if things are only going to get better. So when people buzz me, I think of two things. I focus peace, love, and happiness in that person behind the wheel even as they jeer at me. And I pray that oil reaches $10.00 a gallon. We’d all be better off when it does.

So here’s my take. All this environmentalism, to me has reached one point. That is a big ass punchline.



Advice for the Young (And Old)

April 28, 2008

I spent most of my life recovering from bad advice that adults had given me. The first step in the process was purging my brain of everything I had ever learned. The first step was punk rock rebellion. The second was lots of beer and unemployment. Rage felt really good, but then I needed to forget about THAT. So I meditated and tried to forgive and forget about all the reasons I got angry in the first place. I didn’t _repress_ for God’s sake. I get all pissed off about all this bad advice for years then I finally calm down and people worry about repressing. Look! I’m not repressing all ready. I’m just forgiving and forgetting. Mostly.

Now I have realized that the best advice to give young people: “Don’t give advice to young people. If people do give you advice, don’t take it. Just do what you want.” And don’t take this advice. In fact, don’t take it at all, just forget that I said anything. In fact, just stop reading this post.

Now you might think that this type of thinking might lead everyone to be bums and druggies. But there are a lot of bums and druggies out there who’s heads were loaded up with great advice from their elders who, “didn’t want my kids to repeat the same mistakes I made.” So they fucked up their kids heads, and they are repeating different mistakes.

Also, you have to think about all these geniuses who are giving all this great advice. Who are they?

For one thing, unless they are Amish or Aboriginees, they are not living in a sustainable fashion. That means they are living in such a way so that eventually someone is going to get the bill. Usually that means someone younger than themselves. It’s like grandparents racking up a bill at a resturant on credit. They pass that bill onto their children who pass it onto their children. So there’s a little baby sitting in a high chair who’s going to
inherit a stinking mess and a giant bill.

These are not the kind of people who’s advice I’d trust. They fucked up the planet now they want to give us advice. Give me a break.

Also, unless their names are Guatma, they are not enlightened. So in this case, it’s the asleep leading the asleep. Let’s face it, we’re all equally idiotic here. Sleeping a few more years longer than other people doesn’t make you an expert on the true nature of reality. It leads to shitty advice.

Really, think about what would happen if someone gave you advice. What would you do? You’d compare it to what you all ready knew. If it was similar to stuff you knew, you’d consider it to be wise. If it was different, you’d think that this person was a nutcase. Therefore, if you can take a time machine and give yourself some good advice you’d most likely reject it because it would be too radical for you to understand.

Think about it, are you going around the world looking for other people to give you advice? Or are you just sitting there doling out advice to other people? If you said the latter then you are just like everyone else. Everyone is sitting around giving each other shitty advice.

Therefore, you’re probably going to ignore the advice, “don’t give people advice.”

In my mind, this is a good thing. Because it’s probably shitty advice. I’m going to shut up now and go outside. I’m going to open my ears really wide and see if I can hear something that’s completely insane. Them I’m going to think about it for a long time to see that if somehow perhaps in an alternate universe it is the most amazingly intelligent thing I have ever heard.

Gratitude to Equa Yona

April 25, 2008

Wow, I had the first real comment from someone who actually does not know me. In the past in order to get a comment, I had to hold a gun to people’s head except for the fact that I don’t own guns.

Due to the nature of the comment, this would put the person in the place of guru due to the spirituality, I have adopted, and it’s kind of my duty to give this person gratitude.


Also, I think I touched the wrong nerve, so I guess I should apologize,


The only thing that bothered me the most is the comment, “you are a real jagoff.”

The content did not bother me. Stating the obvious never offends me unless he told me I was a jagoff while holding my head in the bottom of a toilet bowl that hadn’t been flushed in a few days in the Philly Bus Terminal.

The thing that really bugged me was two-fold.

1. Lack of creativity in the insult. Now “jagoff” is new to me, and I admit that I did have to look it up so kudos to that. But before we celebrate, let’s get some real insults flying. My friend could have said,

A. When will this global warming hysteria and scare-mongering end! Global warming nuts sound like the “End of Times” nutbags of yesteryear. I hope all these global warming conspiracy theorist rot in a lake of fire!

Or if they’d like to argue in the other direction:

B. When will this global warming denial and greenwashing end! Global warming deniers sound like the voice of a drunken lunatic trying to reassure his packed clown car as it hurtles to the edge of a cliff!

Much funnier than “jagoff” don’t you think? Plus, if he meant “jagoff” literally, I hope he is familiar with this study: that shows that mastrubation cuts prostate cancer risk. If my friend had done his research, he could have said something like, “Your writing is so limp, you can’t get it up with V1aGraA to mastrubate which would have then cut your prostate cancer risk.”

Overall, I’m confused by Equa Yona’s comment due to the fact that it didn’t give enough information about what specifically I said that makes me a “jagoff”. From their site, I actually consider Equa to be the superior type of environmentalist, a Common Sense Green. I guess that was not clear from the original post.

This may be due to the fact that the main point of this site is actually humor. My sense of humor is not the same as everyone else’s and the reason I blog instead of just telling people on the street my jokes is that it hurts more being told jagoff in between punches.

Best Wishes.


April 24, 2008

Just a note, this is my usual bile only more so. Don’t read on if you are easily offended or if you complete lack common sense or a sense of humor or both.

OK, I’m totally sick of people getting environmentalism wrong. The people who make me the sickest are those who spout garbage about liking the environment. These people lambast the president for his agenda and get frothy of the mouth over another old growth forest getting cut down. They are wasting their time. All this yelling is creating more greenhouse gases.

Once and for all, there are two kinds of green.

The first green is Trendy Green. This is the Oprah-style green that likes to feel so elite. This is spouted by the same people who split hairs of speech regarding race, but live in all white neighborhoods. These people deserve all the mockery they can get. Here’s why:

Buying stuff is the problem not the solution. If you think you can consume your way into being green, you are an idiot. Better to drive a bit less and car pool rather than dump your car to buy a shiny new Prius. Do you know how much energy it takes to make a new car? If we all bought new Prius’s we’d be doing that much more damage not less. Plus where does the electricity come from that powers that Prius?

The second type of Green, I’d like to call Common Sense. To me, it is common sense that automobiles pump out noxious gases that are not fit for human consumption. It is also common sense that we live in a box, though it is big, it’s still one big box. You wouldn’t stand around in a closed garage and run your car, why do it in the slightly bigger garage of the earth. Just turn the damned thing off. If you can’t breath nicely by it, you are damaging the earth.

There is limited water. The stuff that is bottled has to come from somewhere. If you fuck with the groundwater, all hope is lost. No matter how rich you are, you can not escape this planet. If you mess up the water, we all pay. I don’t think even wealthy people have all their food watered by bottled water that came from a sealed vault somewhere that is infinite in capacity. Eventually, all the water will be poisoned. Yes, you can drink distilled water, but are you going to water your crops with it? Are you going to grow everything inside so it can’t rain acid rain on them? Are you going to use a flame ionizer to check the feed that your cattle gets for heavy metals before feeding them? Fuck up our water, everyone’s water is fucked up.

Why can’t I jump into a river and swim in it? Why do I have to be afraid? Not wanting to be afraid is common sense. Unfortunately, the environmental waters are being clouded by trendy assholes.

This is the true reason there will be no real environmental movement in the US:

1. People just like to follow the crowd. Every real thing people can do to help the environment is bogged down by so-called Greenies who bitch about going to far. Ruining the goddamned planet is going too far. Not damaging it anymore is not going anywhere. It’s fucking common sense. So the sheep like to pretend that they are green then they do stupid shit like consume even more things.

The other assholes don’t bother me so much. These are the anti-greens. They make up all kinds of cruel names to call the trendy asshole fake greens like tree hugger. Big deal. What does it mean to dump toxic chemicals into water your children eventually going to drink? Uh, terrorists? Wise investors? Whatever. I think it’s funny because they say they don’t care about the environment, but I don’t see anyone of them build a factory on their golf course. If they want to live in their little fantasy world, that’s OK with me. At least they are happy. Their children will pay for it. I’m sure their happy about shitting on their kids, too. I don’t have any.

2. The debate gets bogged down in bogus details. Who gives a shit about CO2 and surface temperature? A lot of us came from places that get buried in snow. We have air conditioning now. Florida real estate developers have long deceived us into thinking a humid swamp is equivalent to some kind of paradise. When people think global warming they think their hometown will be like Tahiti complete with a beach and a obsequious native to bring them fruity drinks with little umbrellas in them.

The point should be that cars stink. Conduct all environmental debates near a tailpipe of a running car. As refreshments serve water from an industrial waste dump. For food serve the latest mad cow burger. Let’s see how long you love autos when this is all you see of them. No need for stats. Just suck in some fumes and see that this can’t be good for me. End of debate. Your opponent will have a hard time coming up with a comeback when he struggling to get proper oxygen to his brain.

An hour of powerpoint will bore your audience to tears. Nobody cares about these retarded analogies. Analogies cloud the real issue. This bullshit Way of LifeTM is ruining the planet. That’s what the real war is about, for the right to ruin the earth so your (I don’t have any) children will live in a hellhole. If anyone argues, they get run over by a Hummer.

So here’s my prediction, things are going to get a lot worse. Fingers will be pointed. They will get pointed most at people who predict the problems. They’ll get pointed at the people said we have a problem in the environment, and we need to fix it. The more people ruin the earth the more they’ll suffer. The more they suffer the more they’ll blame the greens. This is because the other half, the earth poisoners don’t believe in reality as I know it. They believe in words, and their power to shape reality. This is because it sometimes works. You can order people to cover stuff up, and we won’t have to worry anymore.

So here’s my advice.

1. If you are worrying about the environment. Don’t. It’s a waste of time. Don’t keep up with updates. Nobody cares if they are ass raping the last forests in Brazil and Indonesia to grow popcorn or monkey grass or whatever is monoculture is trendy with investors this week as the Next Hot InvestmentTM. You’re probably as much at fault as that Hummer driver, but the Hummer driver is happy and your not. That’s not fair. So get a Hummer and be happy.

2. If you want to really help the environment, then there is no help for you. You will be see as an outcast and a loser by your closest friends. Even those you trusted, fellow greens, will turn out to be Trendy Greens in the end. They will laugh at you. Trust me. Dump these people and make friends with Hummer owners that you drive to gun shows. It’s been proven that gun owners are happier than non-gun owners. So stop worrying.

3. Why are you still reading this? If you are, I’ll post some tips in the future. They will cause you to lose your friends. But they will gain you a sense of humor, self-worth, and they will actually do something.

Wealth of Hotness

April 22, 2008

I just read a disturbing study here that says the better you look, the more money you make.

Now, you may think that this is unfair or something. I just find it plain disturbing because I must be uglier than Godzilla because I don’t know anyone else with my level of education who makes less money. Hands down, I have managed to make less money than nearly everyone I know. I have calculated that if I had begun working at McDonalds and stayed there right out of high school, I’d be retired by now. Instead I am thousands in debt. How is this?

According to this study, it’s because I’m really, really, hideous.

I wonder if I can get a job as an extra in a horror movie? If so, they’ll pay me less than the person who sweeps the floor. At least they have all the parts a normal face should have.

Dumbass Dictionary – Sidewalks

April 22, 2008

In the spirit of the more intelligent and wittier _Devil’s Dictionary_ by Bierce, I am going to create a _Dumbass Dictionary_ based upon context clues I have seen in my everyday life living in Filthadelphia.

sidewalk – 1. Extra storage space for builders. One can block off as much sidewalk as one needs for storage with impunity. If one has to block off both sides, all the better. Remember if you are doing any kind of construction in anyway, you have the city by its short hairs. If they say anything about your use of sidewalk space, just threaten to leave and allow the entire city’s economy to collapse.

If pedestrians need to walk, let them wander into the street. If they get his by a car, they will be blamed for walking in the street.

sidewalk – 2. Free parking space. If you need extra parking for the place you are going to just park on the sidewalk. If the street is extra busy, block the entire sidewalk by parking perpendicular top the sidewalk.

The most effective users of the free parking that Philly sidewalks provide are those who repair autos. Just park every single car you are going to repair on the sidewalk. Honestly, nobody will care. Nothing will be done to you. Feel free to appropriate as much space as you need. Remember, the early parker gets to suck up the most sidewalk space.

If anyone gives you problem about parking on the sidewalk, see above especially if you have a business of any kind. If pedestrians get hurt either from you jumping onto the sidewalk to park with no warning see above. There will be no penalty for this behavior. Nobody cares.

If you think of complaining about the sidewalks watch your back. The people who break the traffic laws all pack guns sold from the local gun shops. [See “straw purchases”.]

Joining the Assholes

April 21, 2008

So I finally became an asshole. No I didn’t buy a car. I didn’t have a child. Seeing as I’m male that would be tough. I didn’t invest in any company that ruins the planet. Hell, I didn’t even get a full time job. Not even at Starbucks despite the fact that I’m trying to constant flog them here. Buy some bugjuice tasting Starbucks people. Tell them I sent ye.

No, I stopped drinking. What an asshole. In a way I hate myself for it. For one thing, I’m not cool anymore. That’s the main reason I started to drink. Seeing as I have 4 grandparents and both parents who claimed to be alkies, drinking was a major risk for me. Or at least I thought it was especially as my step-father told me, “one drop and I’d be a raving lunatic.”

That actually didn’t happen. We just stumbled around a bit. I kept pissing thinking, “I’m drunk, I’m drunk.” Then we left for this shitty diner. I didn’t know that Erie, PA even had ghettos until I started drinking. Then we listened to Oliver’s army for about 20 times before the guy who provided me with alcohol kept telling me how sorry he felt for me and how shitty my life was because I was from Erie and I was poor. But then again, he repeated himself. Whatever. I didn’t care. I was drunk.

Over the years, my drinking slowly increased. After a few years, I was drinking daily, and I quit my job. This was not related to drinking. That is, quitting my job was not related to drinking as much as that my boss was an asshole. Certainly the times when I came to work in a less coherent state of mind, I was fine emotionally to the point that co-workers who tried to stab me in the back, well I laughed in their face. I thought, “I feel great, why bother getting into these kind of mind games.”

Alas, I was too responsible so I usually went to work sober which was a mistake because I realized what an asshole my boss was (he does not drink). So I quit.

Then I started drinking in earnest, and it was great. That lasted for a long, long time. Drinking, drinking. Great, great. I was loving the part of the night after 5 PM which I had alloted to “Drink Time” until midnight or so. After that, the next morning, it was “Coffee Time” until 5Pm which became “Drinking Time” again. It was neat having two drinks for various times of the day.

Then I joined a kooky religion that said no drinking because it makes you an idiot. And idiots suffer the most. Ug, I just ignored that part and drank anyway. It was great. I even meditated drunk. No problem.

Still there was this little part of my mind that told me I should stop drinking. Not cut down, but stop because I am not good at half measures. I quit for a month at a time, and I learned a few things.

1. Non-drinkers are social outcasts. Like non-blondes they are just not as fun.

2. I love drinking, and I miss it. All the time. I love beer. It is so nice to have.

3. I got a lot more work done when I was not drinking. Not waking up feeling wierd was a nice feeling.

Things got really fucked up for me when I started to getting that hung over feeling the night of drinking. No, no. Hangover the next day. Fun now. It got to the point where I was limited my drinking that night because I could all ready feel the hangover. That stopped (most) real hangovers and allowed me to continue my 7 day a week drinking schedule. In addition, when I was on “Coffee Time” whenever something bad happened to me, I would just visualize a beer bottle. That was my happy place.

Finally, due to my retarded hypochondria, I felt like I had liver damage kicking in. I especially felt sick when I tried to take the shit from the bottom of a fermenter and freeze it to create beersickles. Still despite the persistent liver throb, I had a good time the last time I bottled my last batch of beer. I blasted the pixies and stood around spraying beer all over. I broke a bottle and spilled beer all over a case. Then I tossed that crap outside. I stood there in the kitchen having all these visions of all the art projects I’d get done when the bottling was over. What a great time.

As time went on, my liver hurt more and more. I don’t know if it’s actually my liver. I should say my abdomen. But I don’t really care to see a doctor about this so if I say it’s my liver, it is. Who is to say different?

Soon everytime I drank I had a liver pain. I thought it might be due to crappy homebrew so I bought a case of Lion’s Head and drank that for a while. Fun, fun. But even the old lion made my liver hurt. It got to the point that after I quit a sip of beer, even a drop made my liver hurt.

My step-father was right in a twisted way. I didn’t become a crazy alcoholic from a sip of beer. Rather my liver hurt, and I didn’t feel like drinking for a long, long time.

I feel like my body has this anti-alcoholic drug that it makes called Antibuse which makes an alcoholic feel sick when he drinks. But I don’t need any drugs. I just feel sick all by myself.

I guess I should be happy because this is saving me from hangovers, cirhossis (if I don’t have it all ready), and saying stupid stuff during parties.

But I feel like such an asshole. I have to sit there and explain my whole position on drinking: I want to drink, but I can’t because I have this liver pain. No, I’m not sure it’s my liver. No, I don’t want to see a god-damned doctor. Yes, I want to drink. No, don’t pour that I can’t have it. No not a sip it will make my stupid liver ache. Yes, I know I sound like an asshole.

Having to stand there all pompous with my arms crossed while all my friends sit there and get blitzed is a real downer. I feel so dumb. I want to drink in a way. In another way, I realize drinking is a waste of time and should be completely banned. Nobody should drink. Ug, what a moral moron.

I’ve given up. I realize I’ve joined the assholes, and it sucks.

DMV: Hands off My Kidney

April 16, 2008

Today, I had the pleasure of going to the DMV. For my (millions of) non-American readers this means “driver license place”. Again, why they don’t say that, don’t ask why.

I say “pleasure” because like everything else revolving around the combustion engine, this area of government is well oiled. I was in and out in no time. They didn’t even take any money! I think my wife took care of that somehow, don’t know the details. God bless her even though she does not believe in God. I am, however, accepting prayers on behalf of the soul she does not believe in. Thank-you, kindly.

Once seated, I watched the other patrons juggling phone calls, music, and the annoying interacting with slow 3D humans thing. When my time came to take a picture, I had to answer a few simple questions at first. I tried Spanish at first (they did not have Mandarin, yet) just to test myself. I forgot that I almost failed high school Spanish! I failed the Spanish part of the DMV test, but they reset to English, and I got by it.

Of course, I am registered and don’t wish to change parties. Thanks for asking. I don’t see you hanging around bike shops drumming up political registrations. The organ thing, I said, “no”, of course. Why?

1. As an organ donor, I’m the most important person in the mix. I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO IS IRREPLACABLE. I am also unique in one other way. I’m the only one who does not get paid. This makes zero economic sense. The most valuable person should get paid the most just like there is only one obnoxious person like Balmer who gets billions, there’s only one obnoxious person who has my organs. If Balmer can hold out for a few billion, why not give me enough to pay off my loans. After that, I’ll be able to “give back to society”. People don’t need crappy software, but they need my organs. I don’t get the stupid economic inefficiency.

2. I don’t believe in most surgeries. 90% of the good in medicine can be traced to three things: washing, antibiotics, and preventative medicine. Yet most people in the world don’t get them. So why should a few select few burn up all our medical dollars just because they are born in the first world? Not fair. I can’t help the poor people in Africa (I’m working on my own debt) but I can say, “no” to something that’s obviously totally unfair.

3. I plan on selling my organs to the highest bidder. Again, hello, I’m in debt here. The people who I owe money created the laws so I must pay this debt off live or die. It will go to my estate. There is no bankruptcy. Yes, I was stupid to sign the loans. At 18, I should have known enough about the hundreds of loan sharks who engineered our student loan laws and the lawyers who wrote all the fine print. I’m an idiot and I take full responsibility of my organs. I have zero responsibility to a stranger’s health. They didn’t bail me out when I was in debt and jobless did they? What were they doing? Drinking their organ to death? Eating shit food when there are a zillion commercials telling them that’s bad for them? Maybe they ran everyday, biked everywhere, ate natural food, and lived in a cobb house and still got a strange disease. If so, I’m sorry. Send me this kind of story, and I might relent and give a few organs for free. I’ll decide this on a case by case basis WHEN I’M DEAD. Until then, I’m selling my organs to pay off the loan sharks for my worthless education.

4. I read the book _Coma_ which is about hospitals killing people to take their organs. Well, I’m going to make it very clear the next time I’m terminal in the hospital that I’m not giving my organs away so injecting me with the “special” sauce to short out my brain will do them no good. They’re not getting the organs anyway so this might save my life. Paranoid? I don’t know why I should be. I can’t walk outside without having the neighbors blow pollution in my face when they start their car engines. If they are actively polluting me without saying sorry who knows what the greedy hospital owner will do when its time to get that yearly gold star they are offering to the Top Organ Donor Hospital. And the way people drive. People just do not care about you so why trust them?

Anyway, after taking the test and explaining the above views to the DMV dude for about half an hour and fighting off a whiny hippie who didn’t “get” my anti-donor arguments, they took my picture. In order to get a nice smile on the film, I meditated over loving-kindness and shooting out beams of love to the entire world regardless of what horrible drivers and smelly people they are. This usually gives a special “half-smile” that people don’t know where it comes from except that it looks like the Mona Lisa. Only since I’m a guy, I don’t have that strange Mona Lisa Tranny LookTM.

Of course, when the picture is taken the computer “freezes”.

“Get a blowtorch and thaw it out!”

Some people really have no sense of humor. Anyway at the end of the day, I apologized for breaking the camera. He said that I wasn’t the ugliest person who had their picture taken. An uglier person actually got their picture taken and the machine crashed harder than it did for me. He said that this probably destabilized things so a good looking guy like me was an innocent victim.

I could have told him that. I’m always the innocent victim.

Spare my delicate body!!

April 16, 2008

Note, I am blogging this in my underwear, but I am NOT getting paid by Starbucks* for this. Why am I including such a lame-ass company in my blog post if I’m not getting real paid for it? Because I hope to get a job at that lame-ass company today, and I figured that I’d be able to say that I talk to all my friends about Starbucks. I won’t tell them that I don’t tell friends that friends don’t let friends drink coffee that tastes like bugs and exploits Don Juan in the foothills of the Andeas. That would be smearing Starbucks and I’d probably not get a job there. Unless I got fired and that got me so much publicity that I could professionally blog. I never thought about it, but how can you tell a blogger is professional? That’s like having a professional video game player or a professional rapper.

So I was at my new favorite haunt, My (Retarded) Star Bucks Idea because I am probably going to have to work for them due the splendid non-work by the Hrmfs. I’m not saying all Hrmfs are retarded, I’m just saying that from experience the chance of finding an intelligent Hrmf is directly proportional to the chance that one actually does the job they envisioned when they were five.

No, I’m not yet an astronaut and as time goes on my chances of becoming one are going down unless Brazil revives its rockets program and accepts seniors who don’t know Portugues.

Anyway, I’m hanging at My Starbucks Idea (not yours!), and I am alarmed to find so many germ-haters out there. WTF! I wonder if any of these people ever have sex. I mean besides internet porn. If so, aren’t they scared?

Let’s put this in perspective. They don’t want people to be able to bring their cups into Starbucks from home because they are afraid that people who save their cups have special diseases that they will bring into the store. The amount of disease will be so huge that it will get onto the barista’s hands and infect the whole ecosystem. I don’t know about you, but the barista’s I have seen are usually the cleanest people on the planet. They don’t look like bike messengers who got their bikes stolen or anything.

I’m just thinking of all the ways someone could get a disease and having someone touch a cup that someone else from home touched is the most retarded method. I don’t think any disease is stupid enough to select this as a primary vector of infection. People are, but people are coddled in this society. They can afford to be dumb. Diseases have to be smart.

For example, the baristas do have their own cups they drink out of at home. I don’t think many baristas can afford to keep sanitary cups at home that they toss out after taking a sip. Then they wash their mouth out with ListerineTM (now minty fresh flavor!) and wipe their hands off with WetOnesTM or something. Each time they take a drink. Don’t think so. Do you know that most baristas don’t even know who they wake up next to each morning?

I can think of ten ways you can get a disease at Starbucks that does not involve other people’s cups:

1. Money. Do the baristas disinfect their hands each time they touch money? Don’t even get me started with wealthy people wiping their asses with twenties and the ass-penny confidence builder technique. I won’t even go there. Too vulgar.

2. Sneezing. Everyone does it. The buyer. The seller. You. Do you disinfect the whole 20′ radius around you that an average sneeze travels? Do you have a sneeze guard around your head? Does your barista? They should, I guess.

3. The counter. Is it wiped each time?

4. Children. I love them as much as anyone which is why I want the air to be clean for them (don’t drive) and the world to be pretty for them (don’t cut down trees/don’t use plastic if you love kids). But they have childhood diseases. Do you go out of your way to avoid them? They run around touching everything (which is normal). But it is not super-sanitary? How do the children survive? They have an immune system. Something we need to check out.

5. Cup factory. Just because something is sealed in plastic does not mean it is sanitary. It could have been infected and the bacteria is vacuum sealed. Bacteria can survive a vacuum. Can you?

6. Shaking hands. Do you wipe off your hand each time you shake hands?

7. Clothing. Germs could get on the barista’s clothes as they go to work from the subway (they lost their bikes otherwise they’d be messengering) or something.

8. Germ conspiracy. Not likely but neither is catching a disease from a cup from home. In fact, it’s more likely to get diseases from a conspiracy if it’s well planned.

9. Door handle. The Starbucks doors don’t magically open near my house (at least not yet). When they do I’ll be able to teleport due to dangling modifiers. My spell checker thinks teleportation is not real. Ug.

10. Fixins. Do you use the community sugar? I bet you use the wasteful paper packets because paper is magically germ free, right? But someone with a disease who picked up a packet touched the one below that one. Then someone who feared disease came along and stuck his hand beneath the top packet. But he mixed them all up and the lower packets are also infected.

Come on, a packet doesn’t have germs does it? No. But neither does a cup from home.

End of list.

If someone can figure out how, please tell me how to register at I wanna post this on there.

Now “wanna” is a word, but teleportation is not? Only in stupid wordpressTM land (get your free account now, start your blogging career today).

* Note Starbucks probably does not endorse any of these comments. I don’t know. I didn’t ask, but as a future employee, I am no way the same as all the other employees. That is they don’t always agree with all my views. For example, not all of them think that legal disclaimers are stupid, pointless, tedious, paranoid, and ought to be mocked.

Note all other companies real or imagined are also not endorsing me in any way because they are run by heartless people who don’t want to give me free money to sit home in my underwear and wale (yes, I wale on a keyboard 73 WPM with multiple errors, yo).

Bringin’ Ghettoization to the Taj

April 14, 2008

It looks like the amoebic spread of ghettoization continues with the next victim the Taj Mahal Casino.

I used to hate to go to casinos because I always felt like a loser. Living in the ghetto for a decade has really hurt my egg shell self esteem. Looks like help is on the way. With the first casino ghetto.

I used to think that with all that tons of security, it would be impossible to start a ghetto in the middle of the casino or get stabbed. Looks like I was wrong.

Next stop is slot machines with spray paint on the sides and crack sold at the buffet table!

This shouldn’t stop the rest of the non-ghetto world from gambling their money away. However, if you go to Atlantic City to play poker and don’t want to get stabbed, stay out of the low rent poker tables.

As they say in Vegas, “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” I guess Atlantic City is going to change its slogan from “come and watch fat, white Philadelphians fry on the filthy beach” to “Take a stab at a gambling addiction”.

Anti-casino people t ke note, if this is what happens inside a casino when a gambler doesn’t get a seat at his table, imagine what’s going to happen on the streets when you deny gamblers an entire casino!

Don’t stand in the right of people’s way to waste their money.

Don’t stab me bro!