Adhesive Applied To Small Bits of Paper: It’s What’s For Dinner!

Due to the fact that the average HR worker is dumber than a six-pack of Red Lion BeerTM and a billion times less fun, I have applied for food stamps. In my days of unemployment, I have thought long and hard about HR workers. Mainly I have been trying to figure out why they call themselves Resources. I thought Resources were things you clicked on to make stuff in FreeCivTM. I usually think of myself as a human being not a Resource. But whatever, if they want to call themselves Human Nutsacs, that’s OK with me as long as they give me a job.

So basically, HR (pronounced HRUMF!), forced me into the company of Haliburton, the President, Ted Turner, and all the farmers of America. I am a government recipient, although, again, between friends, use human being. Please.

This got me wondering about this wonderful program. Why the hell they don’t give out fresh beef, cabbage, or even cheese is beyond me. If Uncle Sam wants me to eat paper and adhesive I’d gladly do so. The alternative is the ever popular, “Why do you hate America? Do you think you are too good to eat stamps Mr. Beard Face?”

Personally, I do think that I am above eating squares of paper. It’s not like I’m a Grateful Dead fan or anything, though I do like Casey Jones, but I want the HR people to know, I don’t know anything about the song from experience. I’m 100% drug free.

As a drug free American, I realize that I am about to join the company of one of my favorite fellow citizens; she was highly popular with Republicans because she single-handedly guaranteed Reagan the presidency in 1980. No, not Ed Rollins, I’m referring to the Queen. No, not Elizabeth, the Welfare Queen.

Reagan had a popular speech about the Welfare Queen and why although she was an American citizen who raised children who were also citizens who went on to contribute to this great country, she was still royalty. And Americans hate royalty. They also are really uncomfortable with flamboyant Queens except for that one chance encounter with Boy George.

Despite his greatness, Reagan will not discourage me from my Right to Mooch any more than the army of retarded HRUMF’s will discourage me from spamming their inbox with prostrations designed to get them to GIVE ME A GODDAMNED JOB!! As the great Axl Rose said:

“Here I am,
Your Welfare Queen*,
I might be a bit old,
But I’m not naive.”

* Identities have been changed to protect the innocent.


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