Archive for March, 2008

Honesty, the Most Retarded Policy

March 27, 2008

So basically all these morons are asking why do these polititans lie all the time. If you ask that question, I have news for you, if a politian did not lie, I wouldn’t trust her/him.

Politics is not about compromise, democracy, nor is it the “art of the possible”. It’s also not feng-shui nor is it abstract art, acid jazz, interpretive dance, synchonized swimming, nor is it making of long unfunny lists. Politics is about getting a job, and anyone who actually has a job knows, the only way to actually get a job is to lie.

No, not lie in a big way like say that you are a leading brain surgeon professional from Haavaad. That’s a terrible idea. First of all, there are no brain surgeons. They are neurosurgeons. Second, brain surgeons all will have a list of publications that you won’t have. Too hard to fake. Also, waaaay too boring. Forget it.

So it’s better to lie about things that can’t be verified publically. Such as the fact that you actually get along with other people. Or the fact that the thing that excietes you the most is measuring the pH of the slime that comes out of a person’s armpit in the next twenty-four hours. Simple things.

Since politics is all about employment, it is similar to dating in that in order to get some, you have to convince the person sitting across from you that you can get the job done. Just like sex, it’s less about hard work (they sell machines that outperform men/womyn everytime) but rather you’re really a fun gal/guy. Which is why I started to practice comedy. If you can get them laughing they won’t care if you can tell dura mater from Durex.

All that matters most to these Hrumfs is that you are relaxed. The most relaxed people are those who don’t really need to get laid anyway. Similarly, the best candidates for a job are the ones who don’t really need the job. This is why I can’t even get a job volunteering, giving away my time. Because I reek of the cologne of DesperationTM. The guys who get laid all the time are the guys who get laid all the time. They don’t need to.

This is why Bush won the presidency. He was all ready rich and well connected with Washington insiders. He didn’t need the job. What did Gore having going for him? Amateur acting gigs where he plays a guy who actually cares about the environment, but actually doesn’t do anything about it except make more carbon gases bitching about it? Of the Kerry Zombie dude who gets off mainly by cracking amateur standup while his most rabid supporters take 5000 Volts?

“Don’t taze me dude, I don’t need your stupid job!”

Adhesive Applied To Small Bits of Paper: It’s What’s For Dinner!

March 26, 2008

Due to the fact that the average HR worker is dumber than a six-pack of Red Lion BeerTM and a billion times less fun, I have applied for food stamps. In my days of unemployment, I have thought long and hard about HR workers. Mainly I have been trying to figure out why they call themselves Resources. I thought Resources were things you clicked on to make stuff in FreeCivTM. I usually think of myself as a human being not a Resource. But whatever, if they want to call themselves Human Nutsacs, that’s OK with me as long as they give me a job.

So basically, HR (pronounced HRUMF!), forced me into the company of Haliburton, the President, Ted Turner, and all the farmers of America. I am a government recipient, although, again, between friends, use human being. Please.

This got me wondering about this wonderful program. Why the hell they don’t give out fresh beef, cabbage, or even cheese is beyond me. If Uncle Sam wants me to eat paper and adhesive I’d gladly do so. The alternative is the ever popular, “Why do you hate America? Do you think you are too good to eat stamps Mr. Beard Face?”

Personally, I do think that I am above eating squares of paper. It’s not like I’m a Grateful Dead fan or anything, though I do like Casey Jones, but I want the HR people to know, I don’t know anything about the song from experience. I’m 100% drug free.

As a drug free American, I realize that I am about to join the company of one of my favorite fellow citizens; she was highly popular with Republicans because she single-handedly guaranteed Reagan the presidency in 1980. No, not Ed Rollins, I’m referring to the Queen. No, not Elizabeth, the Welfare Queen.

Reagan had a popular speech about the Welfare Queen and why although she was an American citizen who raised children who were also citizens who went on to contribute to this great country, she was still royalty. And Americans hate royalty. They also are really uncomfortable with flamboyant Queens except for that one chance encounter with Boy George.

Despite his greatness, Reagan will not discourage me from my Right to Mooch any more than the army of retarded HRUMF’s will discourage me from spamming their inbox with prostrations designed to get them to GIVE ME A GODDAMNED JOB!! As the great Axl Rose said:

“Here I am,
Your Welfare Queen*,
I might be a bit old,
But I’m not naive.”

* Identities have been changed to protect the innocent.

Obama! Force of Freedom

March 21, 2008

I heard the voice of reason the other day on my computer. No, unfortunately, it is not another Buffy episode. Rather it was an Obama speech. Here’s what I learned.

  1. Slavery sucks.

  2. It takes more than parchment to get rid of slavery.

  3. Obama is the product of a (hot) mixed marriage.

  4. His kids are a mix of slaves and their owners. Legally, they own themselves.

  5. His preacher says a lot of things he doesn’t agree with. In fact, his preacher is a bit of a nutbag.

  6. However, despite his nutbaggery, his preacher is still a great guy for lots of reasons [omitted].

  7. Obama went to a better school than I did.

  8. So did his preacher.

  9. The problems in the Middle East are somebody else’s fault besides us.

  10. We must get together right now and join together and stuff. Otherwise his campaign is sunk based on a nutbag preachers remarks.

  11. Something. Something. Something…The lion’s den…something…something…[more random biblical quotes].

  12. Not all white people suck.

  13. Everything in this country is fucked up. These issues go beyond black and white. Therefore, we must focus on racism as a big issue now.

  14. Obama reads Faulkner.

  15. He went to a better school than me. So did his preacher.

  16. White men have all the wealth, but sometimes they are out of work. [White dudes, please clap for me.]

  17. “Let us be our brother’s keeper,” says the bible. “Let’s be our sister’s keeper.” I made up the last part.

  18. Let’s put Rev. Wright’s speeches on endless loop on YouTube. However, Obama doesn’t agree with the parts that offend you.

 

Homeless No More!

March 16, 2008

The object of this TV show is to end homelessness while entertaining the rest of America. It is called “Homeless No More!”

Everyone knows that homelessness is a huge problem. Few people realize that this is mainly caused by people not having homes. If people had homes then they would not be homeless.

The catch is that people are really afraid that ending homelessness is going to cost a great deal of money. However, our society gives homes, for free, to people who all ready have them! This is called reality TV.

My idea is to combine together fighting homelessness and reality TV shows. The TV show can purchase a couple of homes on a few city blocks in the abandoned areas of Philadelphia. Since the badlands go on for literally miles, there are plenty of homes here to purchase. Next, just move all the homeless people into the homes and start the camera rolling.

As a survivor of a “group home”situation, I know that there is a lot of drama to be had in any group living situation. Therefore, there should be lots of viewers. Anyone who has spent any amount of time talking to homeless people will know that each of them have their own interesting stories, and a unique views on life. These personalities can rocket these homeless people to stardom where they can use their wealth to reach out to other homeless people who are lucky enough to spend time in these group homes.

Additionally, the outreach programs such as drug dependency, psychiatric, and employment agencies can come to the handful of group homes where the homeless people live. They will always know where to focus their resources instead of the inefficient methods of the past where they would have to chase homeless people all over town in order to offer them services.

I’m sure that some of the people helping the homeless can be given special episodes. There is a rising interest in watching Americans do their job, just as there is a lot of compassion for the homeless. People can watch the counselors in action. There can be a call-in section at the end of each show where the public can ask questions to the counselors or even give advice.

80% of This Obituary is Bullshit

March 14, 2008

Joseph M. Juran died yesterday. If you are wondering who is this is and why you should care, you probably have never spent much time in an executive board room meeting and you had to hear someone talk about the retarded 80/20 rule at least 5 times during a given meeting. Of course, only one time did the rule actually apply, the other 80% of the time, the executive was just stalling for time because he didn’t know what he was talking about.

Mr. Juran is known as the quality control expert or “QC God” as those in the quality control world like to think of him.  As for us grunts on the factory floor, he’s known as that annoying blowhard who keeps changing the policy for which widgets to keep and which ones to throw away.

His greatest contribution was the whole idea of “continual quality improvement” which strikes me more as a nonsensical bulletpoint than anything achievable on the planet earth. If you ever bought consumer goods for more than two years, you’d realize that quality is something that is hit or miss or as our friend would have said, “80/20.”

But I only have respect for such a hard worker. By the time he graduated from college, he had worked 16 jobs, of which he said that 12.8 of them sucked. After college he got his first job in a complaints department. His huge contribution there was instead of sitting there and listening to people complain, he locked himself away from the rabble and worked on statistics. When he applied the same statistical techniques to beating Al Capone’s roulette wheel, his friends gave him an only 20% chance of survival on the streets of Chicago.

Not only did he survive, but he thrived. As a consultant, he shaved the costs of producing razors. At night, he wrote the breathtaking, “Quality Control Handbook.” I still get a shiver down my spine when I read the opening lines. However, I have regrettably learned that of the 1 million copies sold only 200,000 were saved from being dumped into landfills.

He went on to observe workers in factories this giving him the nickname, “The Jane Goddal of factories.” He noticed that in a typical factory only about 20% of workers were actually doing a decent job.

The greatest tragedy for his passing is that had he been in charge of quality control for the venilator he was on, he might still be with us. Alas, the failure rate for the venilators was 20% thus proving in his last moments his rule usually holds true. That is it’s true about 80% of the time.

Political correctness has gone too far!!! By Guest Blogger Portia Popper

March 3, 2008

The original intention may have been good: lets be nice to everyone and quit calling people derogatory names.

Perhaps it was because of the so called “white guilt” or maybe some other reason we’ll never know. Names such as kooks, gooks and japs, were banished from the spoken language and sent away into dark dusty bookshelves spoken only surreptitiously in dark, dusty places…

But then, the intention started to go a little crazy. The goal was forgotten. Every misfit of society began to enter the always-spin zone.

A criminal who best belongs in Gitmo or a torture chamber turned into an “unsavory character” – someone who is merely not pleasing in odor.

Old people, the individuals who continue to drive badly and smell worse instead of doing everyone a favor and just dying, became “senior citizens” – now capable of dispensing age old wisdom in their Alzheimeric haze.

A Bum who used to be the bane of society’s existence and a torture to one’s olfactory senses is now a “homeless person” – a mere individual who simply lacks shelter.

A junkie who previously had crusty veins and slept in abandoned houses surrounded by filth is now “a person in recovery” – the phrase showing more optimism than perhaps
Nancy Reagan would have considered.

Merry Christmas has became “Happy Holidays/Chanukah/KwanZaa” even though the season is now only an excuse to climb into the consumer hell of debt and dissatisfaction.

Even the government has gotten into the act. Department of War became “Department of Defense” because the word “war” assumed a “a bellicose attitude towards military
preparedness”. Shellshock” has now become “combat fatigue” indicated a merely tired soldier and not a fucked up patriot who needs psychological counselling and a lifetime supply of anti-depressants.

Now it has become ridiculous. A fatass is now horizontally or gravitationally challenged. Or worse…a “person of substance”. A retard is now “mentally challenged”.

As a melanin enhanced individual, I would like to put a stop to this idiocy. I have a coworker who is a retard. A dumbass. This male-challenged individual would put sufferers of down syndrome to shame. However, this retard spends valuable tax dollars doing nothing but wasting precious tax dollars. If there were no such concept of political correctness, this retard would have been kept away from normal, functional members of society who could contribute much more toward the progress of this great nation. Instead this retard has spent more than 25 years wasting money, time, resources, energy and being a general pain in a butt to everyone around. All because people wanted to be “nice”.