Casino Royale (With Cheese)

There has been a lot of jabbering about the upcoming casino development of the saccharine “Sugar House” as well as the hot vixen of a money taker “Foxwoods”.

I say that we should roll the dice with the future of our neighborhoods and build the casinos all ready, but first I’d like there to be some stipulations. After all, we are bringing gambling to the heart of a Big Time TM east coast city, not some rinky dink desert. Philadelphia is the home of the constitution, the liberty bell, and Beanie Sigel.

Let’s face it, there’s a boring way to gamble (Atlantic City) and a glitzy, family friendly way (making a cash bonfire).

To dress up our gambling, we need exciting new shows highlighting local talent. Something to get the tourists blood pumping. I suggest we stage drive-bys every ten minutes.

The dealers need to have some snazzy outfits that celebrate Philadelphia’s love affair with fashion. I suggest crisp white t-shirts, ‘Air’ Jordan sneakers, and jeans hanging half way off the dealer’s asses.

Of course if we waste precious gambling space with parking, we deny our out of town pleasure seekers one of the city’s greatest pleasures: hours spent hunting for parking. Let them do what the rest of us do: park their Humvees on the sidewalk.

Or course, we need to keep the newcomers in line. If they come to our city, they gotta speak the language. That’s why I suggest a sign that reads: “This is South Philly. Speak Cambodian!”


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