…but I’d have to kill you.

Whenever I hear the phrase, “I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you” it makes my blood boil. What a way to combine arrogance and stupidity.

It’s always stupid to say such a thing.

First of all, how many people have these secrets that are really important? Not very many. In fact, many of these secrets are really just arrogance.

An example is the torture memos. There was a prediction that all hell would break loose if they were released. Guess what? All hell has not broken loose. In fact things are pretty peachy today. So those idiots who said that we need to keep this stuff classified are discredited forever.

Second, you’d have to kill me? Why would you have to kill me? Let’s say you could kill me, which is highly arrogant. “I could kill you just by thinking about it.” Do it, GI Joe.

Why would you have to kill me? Let me tell you a secret, “I have no credibility.” Not on TV, not in public, not anywhere. I’m not an expert on anything. If you told me a deep secret, and I called the news, nobody would listen. I could go to a street corner, and I’d be just another crazy. So to say you _have_ to kill me is dumb.

It’s also kind of aggressive and rude. “I’m going to kill you b/c of the contents of your head.” WTF? Say that and you sound like a complete asshole.

So if you want to sound idiotic, arrogant and kind of like an asshole living in an imaginary Bond world say stupid shit like this.

Or even better yet, just kill me anyway. Just fuckin’ kill me and spare the stupid drama. No need to tell me these stupid, precious state secrets.

I’m going to pop some pills now. I’d tell you what I’m on, but…oh never mind.

Critical Mass I: Kindly Informing a Slight, Forgivable Misunderstanding

This was originally going to be used as a comment for a Critical Mass ride video on youtube.com which claimed that Critical Mass was a protest by crazy left wing bicyclists who sought to “take over the city” and “shut down the streets”. There was a seething hatred toward the ride.

Just as I have purchased, insured, and drove an automobile for many years, I challenge anyone who has problems with Critical Mass to ride a bicycle to work, to school, to pick up their children, to purchase groceries, and to visit people for a single day. You are also welcome to come any of the lovely bicycle rides in San Diego. I feel that only when we have sat on one another’s Brooks saddles can we truly speak from a point of reason and experience rather than from that of ignorance and hatred.

Also, I’d like to clear up some misunderstandings regarding Critical Mass. For me, the ride is not a protest ride. In Critical Mass riders, there are as many political views as bicyclists. Just as you can’t dismiss a driver as a right wing homicidal maniac, don’t judge a cyclist until you meet and speak with them. This requires getting out of your car.

When I traveled across the US, many automobile drivers took us into our house, fed us, and treated us like royalty. When I see an automobile driver, these are the people I see. When you see a bicyclists, I want you to see a smiling face of someone who is enjoying every second of their life: the fresh air, the sunshine on their face, the exhilaration of freedom, and the good night’s rest that a day’s cycling leads to.

The reason I ride is because it’s a lot of fun. I hope all the driver’s out there forget their tempers and come and enjoy their night with us. You are all welcome to come.

In San Diego, the police escort us, so the ride is actually sanctioned by the city just as other events that have police protection.

Also, if you study the CA state driver’s exam book, bicycles are allowed on the city streets by law. There is nothing in the book saying how far bicyclists have to ride from one another just as there is no law against many cars clogging up the streets on a daily basis in what people describe as a “traffic jam”.

No need to tell people to stay home. It’s a free country. The more cars on the road, the more the streets get clogged, and the safer cycling is. Yet we can ride just as fast traffic or no. Jealous? Don’t be. There’s plenty of room out here for another cyclist. Join us.

As for protests, what is there to protest? All the drivers are nice people here. The streets are large enough for automobiles, bicycles, skateboarders carrying surfboards, and pedestrians to ride side by side as long as we are all willing to respect one another. I often yield for automobiles even when the law does not permit it for my own safety as well as my own peace of mind. Sometimes drivers don’t see me. I understand. Often drivers will yield to me many times when it is not required by law. In the vast majority of cases, both cyclists and drivers are kind and patient. We remember things in a way that reflects our world view.

Again, come to ride, watch from the sidelines, or sit in traffic. Whatever the case may be, I hope you enjoy every night. Life’s too short for anger.

Parental Control

I love the TV show Parental Control on MTV. This is a show where a parent, who can’t stand their child’s significant other (SO), will go on the show where they set their child up with two dates. One date is picked by the father the other is picked by the mother. Then the games begin. The entire show consists of several discreet phases.

Note that the show is heterosexually biased. In four episodes, I have not seen a single gay couple on the show. I have no idea why this is the case as MTV is one of the most gay friendly stations ever. In the world of MTV one out of every four people or so is gay. One out of every ten is transgendered and pretty much everyone else is bi. Not that there is anything wrong with it. I’m sure that MTV will eventually cross the orientation line and do a gay show. I’m sure to watch it. Until I see one of these shows, I’ll assume that the show has only hetero-couples. I’ll do a separate article on gay Parenetal Control if I ever see it.

Parental Bitching Phase

The child’s SO is made out to be as bad as possible by the parents. They can complain as much as they want. This is highly entertaining. If the SO is a female, the complaints usually sound pretty lame. So the girlfriend is self-centered and slutty. This is normal for girls this age in this period of time. It is likely that someone who is willing to be on a TV show is not going to be a good replacement for most of these girls. Also the parent’s child is not always an angel either. Therefore, this makes their whining look even more petty, but it also makes it more entertaining. On the other hand, I usually find the parent’s complaining about a boyfriend to be fairly accurate. They don’t have jobs, they mistreat the girl by grabbing her ass in public, they smell, they eat in a filthy manner, and they always disrespect the parents. These are all legitimate complaints.

While the parent’s whine, the SO demonstrates their poor behavior. Why they would do this, I do not know. In fact, I have no clue why any SO would be on the show unless they were attention whores because they are the most degraded person on the show. In fact, the most consistent part of every show is that the SO is degraded and disparaged.

One could miss this part of the show and not miss anything because this section is repeated after every commercial. Also, the writers of the show use the three or so chief complaints to create the point of view for the SO while they sit on the coach. Everything that comes out of the person’s mouth relates to one of their faults. For example one complaint was a girlfriend said “Ug” all the time. Guess what she said every time she talked? In another example, a boyfriend used too much body spray. Guess what he did throughout the whole show? Again, why anyone would do this is beyond me unless they actually enjoy making a fool of themselves on TV.

Date Selection Phase

Dates line up to interview on the show. The parents can ask the potential dates anything that they want. I love this section because the potential dates are rarely any better than the SO. In fact, many of them are worse. The girls are definitely worse than the original girls. As I said, the original girlfriends do not have anything wrong with them. All the potential new GFs are highly slutty. For example, one mother had a problem with her son’s GS tonguing everything in sight so she got a statue and told all the potentials to kiss it to demonstrate how they would kiss her son. The potentials invariably tongued the statue. None of these girls had any notion of dignity nor any idea that they were actually competing to be the best behaved person not to be the biggest slut.

On the other hand, the male suitors are often better behaved. Certainly there are many losers and douchebags in the mix, but a few of the young men actually have some concept that the parents at least want to create a facade of dignity even if they know, on some level, that they are picking the guy who are going to be banging their daughter.

It is highly strange in our culture for the parents to pick out a mate for their child. When I thought of arranged marriages in India (and in Europe a billion years ago), I thought it would be a serene occasion. Now I realize that in all cultures it is bizarre, and to me highly disgusting. I don’t think parents should get anywhere near their children’s sex lives. It’s just too strange.

The shows where they are picking out girls is especially disturbing. The mom is OK, but the dads are all pervs. I would think that an older man would have some dignity, but not on this show. It really makes our whole country look like a sewer. These guys act as if their picking out someone for themselves. They do this in front of their wives. Why their wives don’t beat them to death right there is a mystery.

Dating Phase

Once the dates are picked, the real fun begins. The SO sits on the parent’s coach with the parents and their child. In this scene one can see the parent’s house and for some reason they all look highly wealthy. Even the most ghetto and trashy people have really nice houses. If the show was just about these houses, I could watch it for hours. I’m basically watching people who are more successful than I will ever be. Also, note that all the shows seem to be in suburban Southern California. There are no people who live in Philly ghettos on Parental Control.

Then the doorbell of the mansion rings and the date is there. I think that the father’s date comes first, but I’m not sure. I have to watch much more of this show. The parent gets the date. At this point, the date and the SO snipe at each other. This form of abuse will occur for the rest of the show. This is one of my favorite parts of the show. I especially enjoy how poorly the people read their lines. What they say is clearly scripted, and yet the people have a hard time saying their lines with a lot of confidence. However, the writing is good as it usually plays on the SO’s faults and insecurities.

Once the date starts, the real pain starts for the SO. Again, I like to see the SO as a boyfriend as they are often jerks. If the SO is female then they often look hurt, and this makes me sad.The only way the SO could possibly win at this point is if they were into the cuckold fetish. However, I have yet to see an episode where this is the case. In most cases, the SO behaves mechanically and predictably, getting more and more upset as the dates continue.

Also, the SO will insult the parents and the parents will insult the SO. This is the most scripted part of the show as the insults are far better than what most normal people say, but the delivery is highly unnatural. I find it disgusting to see young people mistreat older people especially when they are the parents of their SO. This is actually painful to watch, and it makes me a little sad. On the other hand, the parents dish it right back to the SO so it’s all in good fun. Also, the parents have firmer ground to stand on because they are not watching their SO cheat on them.

The dates themselves have two parts. In the first part, there is some kind of activity. There are two types of activities. Some get the heart pumping such as motor biking racing through a mall. Higher heart rate with an attractive person simulates the feeling of being in love.

The other activity is one that gets the dates to touch one another. Examples include making sushi on each other’s bodies and stomping on grapes together in a bucket. These are especially painful to the SO who is watching on TV. The SO will often make fun of the date, but the more they do this, the sadder it is because their SO is technically cheating on them, and they can’t do anything about it. In fact, they idiotically chose to be on this show so they really have only themselves to blame.

The best dates combine both action and touching such as lubing each other up in baby oil and sliding on mats down the halls of a school.

In this part, a smart date will use the activity as a chance to get a little closer to the SO. This is dangerous for a man because I have seen men lose out because they are too “grabby” at this point. A smart man would be mindful of their dates comfort level and not go beyond it. On the other hand, a girl has little to lose by touching the guy. Guys are dumb and easy. In fact, I saw one girl make out with every date she had. In this case, I think that the parents would have been better off getting a new daughter rather than worrying about what loser she’ll bring home every day.

What I find most entertaining about this part of the date is trying to think up new activities for this show. There are infinite possibilities.

In the next part of the date, they have a snack. The snack is sometimes coorelated with the activity. In most cases, the food is junk. It is fun to look in the grocery store and ask, “Would this make a good snack on Parental Control?”

While they eat the snack, they also have a short chat, and the date has a few moments to make their last minute bid for enternal love. They usually talk about hobbies or aspirations. In one case, I heard a guy criticize their dates SO. I thought that this was lame because a person will usually get offended about criticism of their SO even if they agree.

The best move, a power play, was when a potential new guy asked their date to get a tatoo. He promised that if she did, he’d also get a tatoo. For some reason, he had figured out that she had wanted to get a tatoo all along. This was a priceless moment when she said yes. The SO was betrayed as she had promised him that they’d get tatoos together. It was also a betrayal of the mother who had actually picked this guy. I was so happy, and I realized how brilliant this was. If she got a tatoo with him, she’d have to pick him. A tatoo is a  <!– @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } –>

permanent

commitment. For him to get such a commitment in such a short time was nothing short of genius. I consider this guy to be an artist who has expanded the game of Parental Control, and I predict many new imitators.

Choosing Phase

After both dates are complete, the SO is flanked on either side by the dates. They each have one more chance to say something to get the person to change their mind. Although it’s impossible to tell for sure, I feel that the choice has all ready been made. Still, female SO’s are the worst at this. They often use threats often to withhold sex for a period of time. This is a terrible idea. Why would a guy go back with a girl so he could not have sex with her when he has two other women lined up who just acted like they were about to jump into the sack. The best move for an SO is to remind the person how they all ready have a strong connection. I guess this is only possible if they actually do have a connection, but if they don’t then they have a lot more problems.

Then the dates and SO are judged then one of them is told to leave. I have never seen an SO get kicked off at this point. The girls who are asked to leave are so hurt and angry. The guys usually take it a bit easier. I guess guys are more used to rejection. One girl took the family’s mail and dumped it all over the family.

Then there is a lame, scripted moment of silence to let the suspense build. For me, this actually really works. I try to guess who the person is going to pick. For men, in most cases, this is boring because they will usually pick a new girl. For a young male, a new female is a huge temptation eventhough it is highly retarded to date someone you met on TV for about five minutes. It’s even dumber to dump someone you were dating for a while. If they were such a pain in the ass, did you have to go on TV to figure that out? Also, anyone who goes on to find a date has to have something wrong with them.

Women know most of this. They most often pick their original SO. In cases when they will pick a new person, they advertise this early on by acting highly slutty. Even more slutty than the usual women on this show. They generally will make-out with everyone they date within ten seconds of meeting them. The most preditable time when a girl picked a new guy was when she got a tatoo with him. I knew it was going to happen, but seeing it was a big payoff.

I love to see the camera follow the SO when they are dumped because they do something to make their old flame feel good about their choice like swear of make a general nuisance of themselves.

Finally, the parents are given a chance to whine if their child stays with their orginal.

In the final scene the new lovers will have a few seconds alone. They usually will start making out right away even if they had just met a few minutes ago.

Conclusion

Overall, I find this TV show to be highly bizare. There are so many things wrong with this show that I will probably need to revisit this topic in many future posts. First of all, if your child has problem SO, what makes you think that you can find a better one on TV. Only attention whores would date on TV. I feel that most of the candidates are actually wanna be actors. I like wanna be actors, but do their parents really want their child to limit their choices to this category of people?

Also, to have the parents and the children sit in the same room and watch the dates is perverse. Needless to say I love this show. I love the competition. I love to see people degrade themselves for no apparant purpose. I love parents to act retarded. I like to see people get new dating choices where they get to treat an SO like they are one of many products in a store.

This is one of the most brilliant TV shows and writing for it would be my dream job.

Hard of Humor

Due to my recent move, and the struggle to get a job, I have found few things that are funny lately which is why I have not blogged here lately.

I even read a book on humor lately, and this has not helped. I need more time to sit down on a “comedy couch” and think about the funny.

I’m not depressed or upset in any way. I have achieved some things I thought would never happen in my life the past year. 2008 has been the best year ever for me by a long shot. I see 2009 as an even better year.

So look forward to humor. Eventually. In the meantime, I’ll continue writing on my HR and Science Fiction Writing blogs.

Showered Like Your Homeless

Yesterday, I had shower, but despite the high rent we are paying, it did not work.

That is, the shower came on when I turned it on, but it was only super hot water coming out a trickle at a time. Of course, I had to take a shower right away because I need to take a shower before I can do the laundry (long story).

Also, my friend was coming in half an hour, and I needed an hour to get ready. So I decided to take a shower right away.

It was like showering with an eye dropper. I used the kitchen sink to supplement the water supply which also made me feel even more homeless. Also, I sang annoying songs and made an overall nuisance of myself.

My wife clocked my total bitching time at two hours straight. Thankfully, my friends were late so that made me right on time.

I have a new sympathy for the homeless especially as they don’t have the luxury of showering in (relative) privacy. I know this sounds bad, like one of those retarded wealthy people. “Being homeless is really hard. I learned that when I locked the keys in my car.” But still, it was true. Quite annoying.

On the plus side, for homeless, they shower for free.

Black Swan (Song for Decent Wine)

I got this wine because I liked the book so much, I thought I’d like the wine as well. I was wrong, which is predicted by Dr. Taleb. With a Black Swan, you never know.

I could have known that buying the second cheapest wine in the store. This could be the first cheapest if you factor in that only known losers like Manischewitz cost less.

We were looking for the famed Two Buck Chuck wine from Trader Joe’s, but of course, they were closed by the time we got there. Therefore, we are stuck with the Black Swan Cabernet Sauvignon.

At first glance, this is a classy wine. Aside from the name, the cover of the bottle could be the cover of a decent fantasy novel. The black swan is so stylized and it has a shiny beak like the shiny covers of the thrillers. On second thought thriller, in general, are not for me. Nor is this wine. The label even comments on itself, “NEW LOOK! Same Bold Taste.” I should have known that a self-referential label was a bad idea especially when we are talking about cheapo wine. Finally, the label boasts of an Australian vintage in the year 2006, both good things in my book, but bad in practice.

Only when we got the bottle open, though, did we realize we made a mistake. The first sniff and there was a harsh acrid odor that only smelled faintly of wine. The first sip and one tastes water that has a little bit of wine flavor in it. There’s more flavor once you swallow the stuff, but most of that is an acid burn. Once the swallow is done, there’s a pleasant post-wine taste in one’s mouth. So it tastes best when you are done drinking it, actually.

I don’t want you to think that Black Swan is all bad. That would be too predictable which would contradict the label. It’s just not the greatest wine you could get for six dollars. After all, I could get 3 bottles of Two Buck Chuck for the same price or 2.4 bottles of Oak Creek from CVS Drug Store.

If someone serves this, and it’s the only wine then drink away. If you have a choice then try something else. You never know.

Oak Creek Cabernet Sauvignon

At this time, I’m so poor, I can’t really buy wine. I’d prefer to wait until I can afford something that I can afford. Yes, I do low rent wine reviews. Therefore, when I saw this Oak Creek Cabernet Sauvignon* at CVS for $2.50 per bottle, I could not pass it up. Yes, usually cheap ass wine is a pain to drink. I recall the only bottle of wine I had to toss out which was Manishevitz. This stuff made me sick as I drank it.

I figured that the Oak Creek might be similar. But it was worth it because the bottle looked like its contents would be proper wine, not some candy shit.

When I opened the bottle, I was not surprised to see that the cork was made from some rubber, faux cork. It did not hold wine very well, the beads of wine sort of dewed up on the end so it wasn’t much to sniff.

Once I had a single sip of this stuff I was hooked. It was just as good as the best wine I ever had. The best. The wine was very dark purple (like normal wine!) and very dry (also normal(. Since I have a very poor sense of taste, the cheapest bottle of wine is a crack in the sidewalk away from the most expensive so long as the cheap stuff adheres to a few standards like not tasting like grape jelly mixed with turpentine.

Ever since, I can’t look at another bottle of wine the same. Everything is in increments of 2.5. For example, for each five dollar bottle of crappy wine I see in the grocery store, I think that I could get two bottles of Oak Creek. And so on. The regular ten dollar bottles are way out of my league now.

In fact, I have no desire to drink any other wine again as long as I live. This is it for me.

Wine perfection. I wasn’t even hung over the next day which is strange because wine often makes people sick because of the sulfates. And also because of the alcohol.

* [Note I have no affiliation with Oak Creek in any way, but boy I wish I did.]

Matthew 7:16-20

This is more of along the lines “by his [a person but mainly a preacher] fruits you will know him”.

Yesterday, I said that I liked this. That is true, but only up to a point. I feel that often the real world is more complicated than can be split into two dualities. That being said, I do have a strong sense of right and wrong.

I am uncomfortable, though about the punishments that are going to go to “those who produce no fruit”. They will be cut down.

That sounds cruel to me. Worst, it reduces the value of human life to what they can produce. But this is a self-centered view. On one hand, one can think someone (like me) is a complete slacker and completely useless. Fit to be cut down. On the other hand, there is love enough for everyone in the world.

Also, as this book stated earlier, it’s not up to us to judge. Therefore, this is a potentially dangerous line because it may be taken out of context and used to judge others. For example, it may be used to blame people for their poverty. After all, if they are not a “corrupt” tree, then they would have good fruit, right?

On the other hand, I like it because it tosses out the fuzzy notion of intention which I’m not completely comfortable with. People always claim they have good intentions no matter what a mess they make. Here, we just look at the fruits. If the plan was so great, why are the results so bad? On the other hand, factors are out of our control, so maybe good intentions and a good plan can still fail.

So basically, I am highly confused. Probably from typing too much.

The one thing we can agree to is that it’s not up to us to judge.

Judging creates stress and hostility and neither of these make for a good day.

Matthew 7:13-14

I this next couplet. I don’t agree with it, but I think it sums up a great deal regarding Christianity.

Again, it brings up another duality. In this case, the duality is regarding life. Wide is the gate the leads to destruction and narrow is the gate that leads to life. OK.

In Buddhism this kind of thinking is called annihilism (destruction) vs. eternalism (life). Buddha did not preach either of these. Thus if asked if one’s soul is eternal, he’d say no. If asked if one were completely destroyed after death, he’d say no. This seems like a paradox, but I don’t think it is. I think that things are more subtle.

I know analogies don’t prove anything, but I think that they can be a good way to explain certain notions. In this case, one does not say that your body is destroyed after you die. Even if you are cremated, all the atoms that make up your body will still exist. This is the law of conservation of mass. However, you are not the same after you die. After decay, the pieces scatter, and the atoms are soon part of new living things. In a way, you live on. In a way, you don’t.

One modern Buddhist was asked that if the soul does not live on, then what part of you survives your death. He laughed and said, “your neurosis”. I thought this was funny as well.

It is as if your negative energy can live on. Can you positive energy live on as well? I think so.

I’m not saying that this is some kind of law for people to believe in. It is just the best way that I can see what’s going to happen to myself after I die.

I may be wrong, and I will be in a lake of fire. In this case, I should be buried in swimming trunks.

Anger Does Not Give Up On You

Most people who know me know I have an anger problem. Even if they have not seen my legendary anger, they have heard me speak about it like an embarassing genetic disease.

The funny this is, I can’t recall when I knew I had anger issues. I guess it started with jealousy over better treatment of my siblings or classmates. The thing is, I don’t really remember it being a big part of my life until I began arguing with my parents over philosophical and political issues. The more I learned, the worse it got. I began to get angry because people had difficulty accepting what I thought were some obvious scientific facts. I also began to get upset by positions people were taking that I thought were unreasonable. For example, I got angry when people tried to justify every atrocity for their families. I spent a lot of time on this one and I came up with the best come back ever: “Everyone has a family.” So there, bitch!

Things peaked during the Bush II era. At this point, my wife explained to me that I had a problem

I have tried, over the past few years, to give up on anger. At times, I was repressing it. It seemed to work for a while then it came back really strong. I became highly irritable. The main focus of this irritation was the repeated thought that “Why do _I_ have to adapt to others? Why do I always have to be the nice one?”

Of course, this whole line of questioning was incorrect. I don’t have to do anything. However, I chose to make it my goal to give up on anger.

Of course, I didn’t want to do outright suppression. I did “work” with my anger, tracing it’s effects on my body. I found I got tight in the shoulders and the chest. Breathing was more difficult. Also there was a surge of tingling power through my arms and legs. The anger wasn’t a solid thing in me, but rather it kept coming and going all over my body like spots of electricity.

When I was not angry, I would try to think of all the things that got me angry, my buttons. Then I would try to create a new line of thinking where I could accept this problem. I would try to give up assumptions about the world that led me to anger. For example, with drivers, I gave up the notion that they would have courtesy, politeness, or even common sense. I realized that they act in ways that are sometimes selfish, but more often contrary to their own interests. For example, some drivers, when they see me will deliberately go as close to the curb as possible to prevent me from passing on the side. They put so much effort into driving close to the curb, they’d have to slow down and focus on not wrecking their car. If they had, instead, sped up to pull away from me, they would never have to deal with me again. They would get to their destination quicker, and not have an angry biker on their hands. I realized that driving induces temporary insanity. This helped a lot. One does not expect much from the insane.

However, no matter how much I gave up on anger in principle–I do not believe in “justified anger”. No matter how much I kept in touch with my body during the day. No matter how much I worked to eradicate the seeds of anger–the ideas that lead me to grow angry. No matter what I tried, I still got angry. Where does this anger come from? I don’t know.

It seems to come back like an annoying distant relative at family reunions. I have faith that this is only a temporary phase. I have “trained” myself to be angry, and rehersed many a temper tantrum. I can thank my wife for showing me that I was doing this. Now, I only do this when I “lost myself”. As soon as I see myself doing it, I stop. This helps a lot. All of it helps, mindfulness of body, mindfulness of thoughts.

Still, I really get impatient with this retarded thing known as anger. I give up on it, but it has not given up on me. Not by a long shot. Not even a little bit. Damn you anger. I hate you!